I miss you

I am really lonely. In a way that you cannot understand.

I saw this:

"It is sad when people you know, become people you knew... It is one of life's tragedies when you meet someone that you know is meant to be with you, but due to unexpected circumstances and misunderstandings becomes just someone you once knew. Or when you can walk right past someone that at one part of your life was a big part of your life...And how you used to be able to talk to them for hours about the little nothings in life...and now you can barely look at them...and all your left with is that aching feeling in your soul...its funny how many people have posted this. Guess we're all in the same boat, missing someone..be honest..if you really miss someone, a friend, a love, or a family member right now...& cant get them off your mind... then re-post this titled as "as I miss you"...Within 1 minute whoever you are missing will surprise you. If you break this you will have the worst love life starting in one hour.
Tonight at midnight, your true love will Realize they love you.
Something good will happen to you at 1-420 tomorrow.It could be anywhere get ready for the biggest shock of your life.
If you break the chain you will be cursed with relationship problems.
Karma If there is someone you loved or still do and can't get them out of your mind re-post this in another city.
Tonight between 1-4 they will remember how much they loved you as well.
You will get the shock of your life tommorrow. "

It made my heart howl---not the chain letter threatening stuff. Just the first sentence. No one loves me like i love them. no one.

armistice

Today, my heart is heavy with emotion for a myriad of reasons. And i just cannot seem to settle my brain enough to write. blogging may not be for me. who reads this anyway though?

in oskar news, he was very sick last night. and he does this thing when he is puking tons (he has puked tons once before--last christmas) where he obsessively licks the carpet.....that is normally what wakes me up (oh yes---oskar never pukes unless I am asleep) last time i thought he was nuts and went down to see if he needed to be let out and found puddles and puddles of puke.

last night was the same. he was a very sick puppy. i tried to comfort him. he ate lots of grass and drank lots of water. i did the "is my dog sick enough to go to the emergency vet" test-- i gave him a treat. he gobbled it up--proving he was not sick enough to warrant a crisis. but he kinda moped and whined for another hour and then calmes down and went to bed.

it is much easier to take about oskar than my blackcloudburstrainbow emotions.

and all i can think about is the cather in the rye.

this old head of mine

I have so many jumbled thought up in my head right now and I cannot sort them out and I want to write them down but I want no permanent record of them. I need clarity and direction---and I have done all the introspection I can handle.

Maybe it is time to travel.

I attempted to vote today-- but the line was so very long. I do not have to be into work until 10:30, so I am going to try again as soon as i am done with breakfast. The line was seriously around the block. If that many people actually picked up a piece of trash in the neighborhood, maybe church hill would be clean. I mean, i seriously did not think there were that many people who cared....if we could mobilize on a community project, i think we could actually lick the crime and pollution issues we face in our neck of the woods. now all we need is a leader with lots of free time.

there was another murder near my house---saturday night. at 8:30 pm---that is not even late! I was outside sometime close to that--on my way to a party--- i did not hear the gunshots. but it was 4 blocks away. one of my students knew the guy who was murdered and said that everyone knew who did it---the police don't though---but apparently vigilante justice is better than "snitching" ---- an eye for an eye....what i wouldn't do to stop that sort of thinking.

i got into this line of work to be the catcher in the rye---but now i realize I need to teach the kids how to keep themselves from falling off the cliff. but i just do not know how.
but the public school system is probably not the way--though it should be.

ok, time to attempt that voting thing again.

fixed

I have been a mess for a while. It is hard to say what my "normal" is because things have never quite been right with me. I could expound on this, but I want to focus on the past few months.

I was thrilled to start my new job. But about 3 weeks in, I just started feeling crappy. This puts us at the 2nd week of september. I was fatigued and depressed and just unfocused. I tried all my normal stuff---getting good rest, trying to relax outside of work, trying to alter my nap schedule, eating better....nothing was working....and i was getting sick a lot---and my muscles ached.

At my family's insistence, I got my vitamin D level checked--and i was DEATHLY low---ok, maybe not deathly--but i was at about 17 whatevers when 32 whatevers is what you need to feel ok and 50 whatevers is what you need to feel good. Anything lower than 32 will make you ill and the FDA (or vitamin council or something) is thinking of upping the rec for vitamin D.

here is a link to a good article:
http://www.womentowomen.com/nutritionandweightloss/vitamind.aspx

but it might be the reason i have been so blah--and not losing any weight though i have tried for a while now. I will not bore you with how happy this makes me....but if this is really the reason I have been so off for the past few months---maybe even the reason i have been off for the past few years--I should be right as rain in 2 weeks under my new vitamin regime. I am thrilled--heck--this might even just have a placebo effect on me---but whatever works, right?

hiccup love

i know it has only been a few hours, but I am giving up on epic love. Strange I know--but the events of last night have made me realize a few things about myself. But mostly--what I want does not exist and that I need to stop trying.

just like the movies....

I am fully a dog person. I can't imagine my life without my dog. He makes me very happy. Even today, when I came home to find that he had eaten part of the lunch I was packing for tomorrow. We didn't even discuss it--he deserved a good sandwich. He is a good dog.

I am full of nervous energy right now. For the first time in a very, very long time (think--middle of last year) I am prepared for tomorrow's teaching day before midnight tonight. Now i am at a loss-- i have no idea what to do with myself. i want it to be super cool. I am even dressed for the occasion if I happen upon an occasion. I think perhaps i want to go to a movie.

I have decided i am ready for epic love. You always hear that people are sick of games. it is such a cliched thing to say--However, I am sick of games. I want to find someone to love with all of me--without having to wonder if they feel the same way. Do i wait two days to call? Is it too soon to invite him to meet my sister? Are we hanging out too much? Is he annoyed right now?

I want full blown companionship. Open, wild friendship. Late night conversations. roadtrips. domestic partnership. I wonder if arranged marriages are all that bad when the 2 victims are young enough. I mean, right now, i am way too set in my ways to let my parents even think about finding me a suitor-- i am picky and know what i want and what my "deal breakers" are. However--what if i was still young and stupid and was told that i would have to spend the rest of my life with mr. so and so? I would grow to love him, overlook his imperfections---maybe even learn to like those. i mean, in a shape up or stay miserable situation, people would work harder to love each other. In this random dating we put ourselves in, we look for perfection---nay, demand it--without budging an inch ourselves. we look for others that mesh with us perfectly. if we find a flaw, we move on---maybe it is not this drastic---but close to it.

I worked on and compromised and grew with a a relationship once-- and the boy moved on. and all that taught me was work causes heartache. it was the wrong lesson, i know--but since then-- i have said "shape up or ship out-- i am too good for this" it has saved me a lot of heartache, but also a lot of love. i am over it now. time to go back to the heartache route.....starting.....now!

i used to say-- love and live passionately, it is the only way to do it. it might hurt, but it will be worth it. can't have the ups without the downs. then i changed to-- do everything tepidly, it hurts less. ups and downs be damned! i need stability. now i realize yet again---stability is good and all, but absolutely no fun. i will throw myself into existence and revel in the hurt and hopefully stumble upon the bliss of it all.

epic love---here i come.

my warm and cold heart

In my 6th and 7th grade classes, we are reading _Granny Torrelli Makes Soup_ by Sharon Creech. It is a good book. I think some of the talking confuses my students---but they are getting the swing of it. I love that they love it. I took today's blog title from a chapter title in that book. I feel that I have a warm and cold heart about my job---some days i love it, some days i hate it. i love it much more than i ever hate it---but sometimes i wonder if this teaching gig is for me..but then other days i KNOW this is what I was meant to do, but maybe not in this format. I _REALLY_ can't bring myself to care about the S.O.L.s...but I can't cut myself off from caring about the kids, their lives, and their literacy.

I got what I consider a great compliment today....i was talking about my warm and cold heart and the complimenter said " at least you have strong feelings about it and are not 'eh! my job's okay...' " Now, i love it when people like about me what I like about myself....even if they did not specifically mean it as a compliment. so i liked that he said this--b/c i like that i have strong emotions. I also like it when people know me well enough to recommend a movie or a book that i would really like and i actually really like it. It also works the other way. A very good friend of mine told me i would love _Tank Girl_-- i watched the movie and totally hated it---and all i could think was "Does this person know me at all? Have she ever paid attention?" I just feel so loved when people know me well. I think this is a compensation thing because neither of my parents knew me well growing up...my dad has clued in as an adult a bit...but it was always a point of silent contention that they never took any interest in me because they were so self-involved. And then when they finally got concerned that I might be on the "wrong path," it was too late-- i wanted nothing to do with them--and they blame me for all of this. I waited til i was 15 to shut them out---but they waited til i was 16 to care---and are angry that at that point, i would not have it.

someone i really liked in college who would blow me off---even as a friend--called me a "breath of fresh air at this stale, stuffy university"--and i loved this compliment--- but he also told me he couldn't really deal with me becasue of this--- i was too fresh, too unlike his crowd--too unlike anyone to really fit in anywhere----and he just could not deal....i didn't even necessarily want to date him---but i knew we would be tight friends if he could get over our differences... we are tight friends now---but only because he has dragged himself away from his inner circle because al lthe drugs were killing him.

and i guess i found people who could love me for me---but i also changed me a bit---calmed down in ways.... and i am not sure why. Did i "grow up"? Did I grow out of a "phase"? Did i conform? Maybe I will never know.

I have a mound of grading to do. This week has been super weird. Today felt like a monday. Monday I was grumpy---wednesday felt like a friday b/c i was so tired and today-- i barely remember today, it went by so fast.

intensity

I am not crazy. I am not annoying. I am not a stalker. I am intense. I demand the attention and time of my friends. If you do not call back, then I will keep calling. If you do not like this--tell me so.

Why can people not be that straightforward? Why do people lead you on even when you give them a way out? Why does it seem nicer to tell a person you are interested and never call than just to say you are not interested? Why? Why? Why?

Sorry, I am having a crummy day. I miss the times in high school where you talked to your friends all the time and had to hug before you got on the bus to go home because you would not see them again until the next morning. I miss that intensity of pure desire for companionship and affection. i miss that honesty.

Adults play games. And maybe I never grew up. But I just can't play by the rules. I call if i feel like calling. I profess my feelings regularly in the hopes that people understand i am a bit fickle and moody. I listen to what people say, not what they do even though I know better. Actions speaking louder than words and all that stuff. But if you do not want to pursue a "friendship maybe more" with me--you are gonna have to say just that. And then specify if it is the friendship or the maybe more that you do not want. I trust you to say what you mean. Or rather, I know the truth and choose to ignore it. Give me something I cannot ignore. Black and white, man. Even if it makes you feel crummy. in the long run, everyone will appreciate it.

Of course I do not mean YOU, gentle reader (yes, I read Miss Manners just to come to grips with the fact that I know nothing of etiquette)

In better news, oskar is sleeping in the bed with me again now that the weather has turned cold. I like this a lot as he is a great comfort to me and a great warmer of feet when I can get him to actually sleep on my feet (he likes to share my pillow most of the time--and by share, i mean take). During the hot months, he sleeps on the tile floor of the bathroom or on the wooden floor and/or sofa in the downstairs sitting room where it is much cooler. he is a better dog in the cold. He snuggles more, has more energy on walks, is generally friskier and happier. He is the best dog. I'd be very lonely without him. Friday was his "gotcha" day---2 years since we were united by the Richmond SPCA. making him 6 and a half if their calculations were right.

ok, off to the grading and lesson plans and maybe some dinner.

i like this picture of him in particular because his nose is translucent and you can see my legs in my favorite pants in the background.

lark or owl

What sort of bird does well in the morning and late at night, but is useless in the middle of that day? Because that is what I am. You know, they say morning people are larks and night people are owls. Well, I like to get up early and stay up late (but I wear long skirts and short jackets all you CAKE fans) but I am zonked out for about 4 hours in the afternoon.

I am overwhelmingly aware today that I try to do things to fit into societal norms but those things always make me miserable. For example-- i tried to give up my afternoon nap because i felt judged. My coworkers and close friends would poke fun at me, call me lazy. And i would defend myself-- "I only sleep 8 hours in a 24 hour period--4 in the afternoon, 4 at night" and though this is mostly true, why do I need to defend myself? Why should my sleep patterns matter to anyone except me and oskar (he has to pee when i am awake---therefore, he gets to wake me up if my sleep patterns do not mesh with his pee patterns)

Granted, i see how I miss out on great daylight hours and prime social hours--- it is now 1 am on a monday morning and I want to hang out--but most everyone I know has to work early tomorrow---including myself. But again---this is how I feel my physical best. I am a crab when i do not nap and who wants to be social with a crab?

other crabs, maybe...

anyway, I see and experience the downside of my lifestyle---but my body clock is kinda wired funny and though I fight it---it often wins and I am happier when it does. All this leads to my final conclusion---I have spent the past 3 years really, really trying to be normal and fit in in the hopes that it was the key to happiness. I fought to get my depression, panic, and insecurity under control. I struggled to get trained in and acquire a "real" job. I bought a house and dated good-for-me people and tried to keep normal hours and really, really focused on getting myself together.

And there are bright sides. i own my house and stopped smoking and do not self-medicate with alcohol and caffeine. I have savings and am well-respected at my work place and my parents are proud and I do not have any credit card debt. I have health insurance and a retirement plan and career options.

But where did everything else go? Where is my art? Where is my love? Where is my essence of self? Where are my strong emotions and opinions and zaniness? I used to have that-- I used to be that! Now I have a car payment and a mortgage statement and a career and respect...but i feel like i sold out and I miss---yes, I miss-- my depression. No--my depression got out of control and almost killed me--and I do not want to be there ever again---but here is not the answer either

Where did i go?

And I am officially "together" and I don't like it.

empath

I am a girl with a dog. This dog:

He is a wonderful dog and I am a wonderful girl and this is to be a wonderful blog. It is a restart. again. I blog, I delete. I blog again and delete again.

My dog's name is oskar. And he is a very good dog. Except when he's not.

I have resolved to wear my heart on my sleeve again because that is where I like it best. I love love. i love people. i just love. and i do not care if it is not appreciated. This is how I can deal with being a middle school teacher. Because love is never wasted, even when it is unwanted love. I resolve to be more like my dog. He makes best friends very easily and lets you know right away when he is lonely/hurting/silly/needy/hungry. I have spent a few years being guarded in order to avoid being hurt or ashamed and it got me nowhere. no more. who cares if i make a fool of myself? not me. I am resilient. It is my best and worst quality. my feelings rarely get hurt, but, therefore, I also rarely learn from my mistakes.

oskar is the same way. my daemon. When someone he loves (meaning anyone) visits for a while, he will chew up something that smells like them (pillows, clothes, hats...). He gets in trouble, but he will do it again next time because it was worth it. It is how he shows he cares and how he gets closer to his loved ones-- and that is all worth a smack on the snout. A smack on the snout never teaches him anything. He is resilient.

I push forth with my good dog at my side and my heart on my sleeve. full of love and a refusal to change. it is me. i am oskar (dot com!)