lark or owl

What sort of bird does well in the morning and late at night, but is useless in the middle of that day? Because that is what I am. You know, they say morning people are larks and night people are owls. Well, I like to get up early and stay up late (but I wear long skirts and short jackets all you CAKE fans) but I am zonked out for about 4 hours in the afternoon.

I am overwhelmingly aware today that I try to do things to fit into societal norms but those things always make me miserable. For example-- i tried to give up my afternoon nap because i felt judged. My coworkers and close friends would poke fun at me, call me lazy. And i would defend myself-- "I only sleep 8 hours in a 24 hour period--4 in the afternoon, 4 at night" and though this is mostly true, why do I need to defend myself? Why should my sleep patterns matter to anyone except me and oskar (he has to pee when i am awake---therefore, he gets to wake me up if my sleep patterns do not mesh with his pee patterns)

Granted, i see how I miss out on great daylight hours and prime social hours--- it is now 1 am on a monday morning and I want to hang out--but most everyone I know has to work early tomorrow---including myself. But again---this is how I feel my physical best. I am a crab when i do not nap and who wants to be social with a crab?

other crabs, maybe...

anyway, I see and experience the downside of my lifestyle---but my body clock is kinda wired funny and though I fight it---it often wins and I am happier when it does. All this leads to my final conclusion---I have spent the past 3 years really, really trying to be normal and fit in in the hopes that it was the key to happiness. I fought to get my depression, panic, and insecurity under control. I struggled to get trained in and acquire a "real" job. I bought a house and dated good-for-me people and tried to keep normal hours and really, really focused on getting myself together.

And there are bright sides. i own my house and stopped smoking and do not self-medicate with alcohol and caffeine. I have savings and am well-respected at my work place and my parents are proud and I do not have any credit card debt. I have health insurance and a retirement plan and career options.

But where did everything else go? Where is my art? Where is my love? Where is my essence of self? Where are my strong emotions and opinions and zaniness? I used to have that-- I used to be that! Now I have a car payment and a mortgage statement and a career and respect...but i feel like i sold out and I miss---yes, I miss-- my depression. No--my depression got out of control and almost killed me--and I do not want to be there ever again---but here is not the answer either

Where did i go?

And I am officially "together" and I don't like it.