my warm and cold heart

In my 6th and 7th grade classes, we are reading _Granny Torrelli Makes Soup_ by Sharon Creech. It is a good book. I think some of the talking confuses my students---but they are getting the swing of it. I love that they love it. I took today's blog title from a chapter title in that book. I feel that I have a warm and cold heart about my job---some days i love it, some days i hate it. i love it much more than i ever hate it---but sometimes i wonder if this teaching gig is for me..but then other days i KNOW this is what I was meant to do, but maybe not in this format. I _REALLY_ can't bring myself to care about the S.O.L.s...but I can't cut myself off from caring about the kids, their lives, and their literacy.

I got what I consider a great compliment today....i was talking about my warm and cold heart and the complimenter said " at least you have strong feelings about it and are not 'eh! my job's okay...' " Now, i love it when people like about me what I like about myself....even if they did not specifically mean it as a compliment. so i liked that he said this--b/c i like that i have strong emotions. I also like it when people know me well enough to recommend a movie or a book that i would really like and i actually really like it. It also works the other way. A very good friend of mine told me i would love _Tank Girl_-- i watched the movie and totally hated it---and all i could think was "Does this person know me at all? Have she ever paid attention?" I just feel so loved when people know me well. I think this is a compensation thing because neither of my parents knew me well growing up...my dad has clued in as an adult a bit...but it was always a point of silent contention that they never took any interest in me because they were so self-involved. And then when they finally got concerned that I might be on the "wrong path," it was too late-- i wanted nothing to do with them--and they blame me for all of this. I waited til i was 15 to shut them out---but they waited til i was 16 to care---and are angry that at that point, i would not have it.

someone i really liked in college who would blow me off---even as a friend--called me a "breath of fresh air at this stale, stuffy university"--and i loved this compliment--- but he also told me he couldn't really deal with me becasue of this--- i was too fresh, too unlike his crowd--too unlike anyone to really fit in anywhere----and he just could not deal....i didn't even necessarily want to date him---but i knew we would be tight friends if he could get over our differences... we are tight friends now---but only because he has dragged himself away from his inner circle because al lthe drugs were killing him.

and i guess i found people who could love me for me---but i also changed me a bit---calmed down in ways.... and i am not sure why. Did i "grow up"? Did I grow out of a "phase"? Did i conform? Maybe I will never know.

I have a mound of grading to do. This week has been super weird. Today felt like a monday. Monday I was grumpy---wednesday felt like a friday b/c i was so tired and today-- i barely remember today, it went by so fast.