RESOLUTIONS

oskar's new year's resolution is to stop eating things that are not given to him to eat. latest victim? bag of bath salts. Of course, he discovered they were not yummy when he ripped open the bag, so he just flung the open bag across the study. the study smells great and looks like it has a dusting of snow on the carpet. ugh!

ok---this is not a resolution he made, so he prolly will not keep it---i on the other hand have made my own resolutions, but am still as likely to keep them as oskar.

in reality, i have not made any official resolutions, but these are the things i want out of 2010 sapna.

I want her to be more charitable with both her time and money

I want her to be healthy, especially in regards to her diabetes--this involves losing about 30 lbs and eating less carbs and exercising more and testing her blood daily---hopefully the first three will go hand-in-hand-in-hand and make me actually want to do the 4th. I think losing weight in the past has seemed impossible b/c i say "i need ot lose 30 lbs" so right now, i am focusing on losing 5 lbs by the end of january. doable right? then i will be the weight i was before break. ugh!.

I want 2010 sapna to actually commit to and finish creative projects. i have the materials to be a great aritsan or writer or whatever, but i never actually produce anything. tomorrow i am going to inventory my painting/sewing/knitting/writing tools and organize them in the study.

I want her to read voraciously. i do this sporadically and based on my mood--- a happy sapna is reading sapna. when i get depressed, i get stupid and sluggish. so maybe my resolution should be to curb the depression. This leads into wanting her to not be a flake anymore. I flake out on plans all the time b/c i just want to be alone. I need to stop that.

Last but maybe the most important--i want to be better to oskar. i skip walks with him and neglect him when i am super busy and it is just not fair. he loves me more than anything ever has and i need to deserve that love. with more w-o-k s and more ear pulling.

happy 2010, y'all.

money

i feel terrible. i do not make very much money and i always think of ways to save money and spend less. Then i think of things i want to save up for. and really---it's all about me,me,me. Well, I just was reading cake wrecks for the first time in a long time and saw the charity countdown and felt like such a tool.

sure, i do not make much money, but i totally make enough to live on. I am not even really in debt....though i do dip into savings a bit. And if i sacrifice a little, i could totally donate AT LEAST a dollar a day to a good cause. I do not celebrate Christmas and since i did not work for a month, i had no money to get other people gifts...but last night, i was going to take myself out for a fancy dinner. During school breaks, i drop a bit of cash at the pub. I waste food and money baking and cooking too much.

It is about to be 2010. I should look into being a less self-centered person. I am good to my friends, but i need to be good to humanity.

early start

today, i was gonna get up early and get a jump start on the to-do list. However, last night, I could not get to sleep. i was in bed from 10-10 and maybe slept like 3 hours total--and not in a row either. So now it is almost 11 am and I am debating how to proceed.

i am currently eating breakfast and the dog needs to be walked. i totally need to d odirty stuff today---scrub floors and toilets, deal with leaves...but i want to take a shower now to fully wake up. It seems wasteful though---of both time and water. and also---warm showers make me itchier in this damn dry,cold weather. but really, nothing gets me going like a shower. so! here is my idea. i will finish "breakfast" (i am eating lasagna), take a shower and walk the dog, come home and drink some tea and get started on the floors. the bathrooms are not _too_ bad---so if a nap needs to happen, they can be sacrificed.

maybe i will walk the dog and then go to ellwood's....hrm.....i normally like cleaning--but normally only when i am agitated. and today, i am not agitated. oh well.

resolve

i never make new year's resolutions for real. i mean, when i was a heavy smoker, i always resolved to quit---which resulted in my smoking 3 days' worth of cigarettes on december 31st and making it until january 2nd without another one---but only b/c i spent all day on jan 1st in bed.

i am hesitant to make any resolutions this year b/c my life is pretty damn good and i would not change anything other than maybe i would like to have a bit more money. but i don't want to work or budget for it---and i supposed you cannot resolve just to have your boss pay you more.

i do think i am going to try to be better about my diabetes. i am so bad about exercising and watching my carb intake now----but there is no specific resolution i want to make there. i think being a special ed teacher made me feel that goals have to be measurable and data-driven with a time-frame. so no resolutions.

i really like the way things are---i know this is a drastic change from me last blog post. they do not call it bipolar for nothing :)

don't confront me with my failures...

'cause I have not forgotten them....

I am thinking in 2010 to make this more of a sapna jones' diary blog. I need to get down to 135 lbs. i need to work out daily. I need to eat better to control my diabetes and I need to stop getting involved in impossible relationships just for the drama of it all. maybe publishing my exploits here will keep me ashamed enough to not do bad things....or at least to lie about them. who knows?

today, i am supposed to go to a gsgis reunion thing. i am getting cold feet. no matter where life takes me, i always feel like a failure unless I am alone. I love myself when there is no one else to compare myself to. but then i get lonely. I just feel like i don't belong among people though. I want to be a speck and onserve others without having to interact. I am not so into voyerism. I am just a social recluse.

I am getting rather sick of hanging out with/ talking to my parents. I have spent too much time with them this week and there is no end in sight. it looks like the 28th is the only day i get totally to myself. tomorrow, i am hanging out with jenny and meredith to celebrate meredith's bday. Then, on Monday, I have no plans---then the rest of break, my sister will be here and bugging me to hang out. i love hanging out with jenny, meredith and my sister et al. But right now---right at this very moment--i feel like i am in a downward spiral and just want to be elft totally alone. totally. i do not even want to answer my phone or e-mails.....but if i ever do that, then my parents panic. maybe i will turn my ringer off and go on a solo vacation from the 29th-1. my sister will forgive me. i'll think on it.

night of the candles

last night was night of the candles. it is the annual tradition that i gather all the candles in my house upstrairs on my coffee table and light them and contemplate life.

i have to douse a few early on due to the aromatic tragedy mixing in the air. otherwise, NOTC was a success.

reflections:

i am incredibly content and i really love my friends. my dog is perfect, but i should walk him more and feed him less human food. i need to watch the diabetes and stop being to blase about it. i am enjoying exercising and the results i see and i need to be a bit better about it and will start that as soon as the ice melts off the sidewalks. i am really, really content. maybe a bit too much.

man--i just got really drowsy, ans the great thing about winter break is that i get to give into my nap cravings instantly. so--goodnight!

hearth

i am totally enjoying my baking frenzy. i have been keeping my heat low and am keeping warm by making confections.

my only problem is that i now have a ton of sugary snacks and no one to eat them. I am kinda lonely with all of these cakes and cookies.

It is 8:40 pm on Sunday and I have nothing to do. Maybe I should walk the dog in this freezing cold. ugh. I am done with today.

winterbreak

i am now off from work for 16 days--i wanted to do a billion things but--as always--now that it is here, i want to be lazy.

today is just day 2 of break. and it snowed heavily on friday night when i was at a play with my parents (25th annual putnam county spelling bee) anyway---after trying to get them home and failing, they stayed with me for the night. My phone shattered when i dropped it before the play, so i also had to go to the verizon store at chesterfield town center and get a new phone. so i was not so lazy yesterday. had to dig out, go get a new phone and feed my parents breakfast and take them home (this list was not in order, obviously) so all of that took until about 3 pm. Then i napped until 6, ate dinner, walked the dog for an hour in the snow (surprisingly, he never tired---when it is not freezing out, he gets tired after 4 blocks--when he has to trudge through chest-deep snow, he never loses energy) then i baked a cake and made cookie dough.

My house us a wreck and i want to clean it today--but i have loads of laundry to put away, and i need to go get jam to make the linzer cookies and then i need to roll those out and bake them. Melissa is also having a party (that is what i am making the cake and cookies for) and i want to meet alana at ellwood's. so maybe i will clean tuesday when my only plan is to go to dinner for tiffany's birthday. the house will get cleaned in the next 14 days--it has to...i have neglected it for about a month and i am drowning in dog hair.

my washing machine's inner rubber tube seems to be disintegrating. i did 2 loads of laundry yesterday and there was this grey powdery substance and that is all i can think it could be. i recently turned up my water heater for the winter and made it a bit too hot--so today i turned it down. i hope that is what is going on b/c i REALLY cannot handle anymore drama with this washer and dryer.

ok, why am i blogging this crap. i should be having adventures so i can actually blog about exciting things.

big to do list

during planning:
grade everything
enter grades
upload grades
update hcpslink
find fun learning activities for tomorrow
print out those activities and copy if necessary
call a student's mom
find 2 kids and give them their make-up work.

after school:
shop and snack at target
make dr. appt.
deposit check
bathe dog
bathe self to remove dog hair
outfit for tomorrow
movie night

ok--lots of grading. gonna get on it.

woof roof

oskar was very, very thrilled at 7:30 this morning when the roofers showed up. they are his new best friends.

they say they have no clue where the roof is leaking from since they have patched everything. However, they are gonna run a water hose over the roof and see if they can find a leak. oskar is going to have a great day. I hope I do too.

i am just itching for the hoildays. it is not like i have been over-worked recently....i have been very good about keeping my sanity...but i am just ready to not be here for a few days in a row---my past few weekend have been a little too eventful. i need to just veg out.

as always-- i plan to spend a little of break trying to figure out how to pace the rest of the year. however, maybe i should just be realistic this break and say that i am not going to look at any work until i return to work. ugh.

today is hump day. by lunch time, half of the week will be over. it is all downhill from here. hope my roof is fixed.

planz

I just got very little done during planning. I have planning first thing tomorrow--so i can do my grading then. My brain just would not function. I am so drained.

I was thinking of visiting akka next saturday and sunday---but i am going to a play friday night and melissa might have people over on sunday.

i want to go to cville and eat at the mind dynasty. i love that place. i need to make a winter break schedule. I need to start running again--and walking the dog. my energy is just gone.

ok, today i have to stay after for detention, during which i will finish my christmas cards. tomorrow melissa is coming over and we are going to watch _Singles_. Thursday night is movie night with nate--and i might bake some and write notes for my students for xmas break nicety. Friday, i go to dinner and a play with my parents. Saturday, I either visit akka or veg out. sunday is melissa's thing. Monday, my rats are getting killed and i might drive to cville for dinner. tuesday is tiffany's birthdaty dinner and i might scrapbook (finally) and thoroughly clean my house. I will continue this on Wednesday--i also have a hair cut appt that day. Thursday and friday, sneha and srinivas are in town and it is xmas eve and day--i will continue to scapbook if i can---i have been trying to do that for years with these random photos. on the 26th, i have the gsgis party. the 27th we are celebrating meredith's birthday. the 28-31 are totally freee and mine.....31st night, i have 3 parties to go to....1st i need to recover and the 2nd-3rd i will be hanging out with joy et al.

whew! maybe break will not be so restful.

knocked out dog

i took oskar to the vet yesterday...and spent a small fortune of him. about $90 for heart worm pills for a year, $177 for flea stuff for a year and $86 for the vet visit. it was just his check up, but i asked as to why he was chewing on his butthole so much--and the answer is a skin allergy. probably to fleas....what a terrible thing for a dog to be allergic to. anyway-- i had to give him benadryl last night. he did not chew on his but. He did not do much of anything. i had to wake him up this morning. he was awful groggy.

i am having financial difficulties. tomorrow, i am going to go to the bank and dip into my savings again. ugh! i think i am also supposed to put $2K in my IRA yearly....and the year is almost over and i am in debt. should i dip into savings enough to do that also? i need to do a cost benefit analysis (oooh, fancy!) ---i get taxed 25% on my savings (i cash bonds) so i need to see if taking money out to put into the IRA will actually make or lose money. i will have to contact my financial advisor (oooh, fancy!) ugh! one more thing on the to do list. i bet he has an e-mail address. e-mail is making me a recluse. I would rather e-mail people than talk to them.

i need to know who i am supposed to buy christmas presents for and then figure out how i am supposed to do that with zero dollars. i am a bad friend and gift giver. luckily, i do not have children. their holidays would be grim...oops, kids---i planned poorly. I had plenty of money in the summer, but always end up broke by the end of the year---how does this happen?

our principal got us doughnuts today. he is a great principal....not b/c of this---but this is a symptom of why he is great. he felt bad that the superintendent made us stay really, really last last week without pay and he tried to make up for it. heart is the best thing in a principal. and emapthy.

my tummy is making funny noises---and not in a good way either-- i mean, i am not hungry or anything...i do not feel sick either---this just sounds strange. i really do have to pee---but i am with a kid serving detention. his mom had car issues---we were supposed to be gone 30 mins ago.

the boy i was hanging out with totally platonically seems to be avoiding me and it is strange. i do not want tobe self-centered about this....i mean, maybe there is a non-me explanation...but i would like an update if so. oh well.

tomorrow is wednesday. at lunch time, there will be a week and a half until winter break....which is only 2 short weeks long. i am so ready.

ok, zeit zu gehen.

fridog

i really like thursday movie nights. yesterday, we watched _Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog_--it was not spectacular, but it was funny. On thursdays, i go home and eat dinner at 4:30 and then take a nap until 7:30--then i walk oskar and do my couch-to-5k running. then i eat a light snack and take a shower and read until nate comes over. we watch a movie and fall asleep. we are just friends, but it is kinda nice to have this weekly ritual. oskar always wants to cuddle with nate. why my dog loves boys so much, i will never know--but i wish he wouldn't try to take up all of my room to get closer to nate. he is a big dog.

I am kind of dreading my 8th grade class today. I have got to be mean b/c they are being terrible. I hate being a mean teacher. During planning today, i need to make copies for that class and write up my agendas for the day. If i have time, i am gointg to do my grades so i can go home right after school---but chances are i will not have time.

I am so thrilled it is friday. This week has been too long-- with the 14 day headache and everything....tonight, i might go see bad santa. then tomorrow i am going to sleep in and then drive to NOVA to visit sister and cousin. I am coming back REALLY early on sunday, going running, finishing my book and hanging out at ellwood's. i might actually have to take lesson plans home, but i do not think i will.

ok, getting to work.

2 pm and all is well

It is almost 2 pm on the last day of thanksgiving break. I am pretty much done with my to do list--i should actually mop my floors, but i swept and that is good enough for me right now. i would also like to tackle the huge pile of papers in my study---but that just isn't going to happen today.

i think i am going to go to my parents' house and eat some leftovers. Then i might take a nap--i am at least going to read for a bit to digest. i will then return to my house to run and shower. then to ellwood's? watch more danger mouse? read? be hermit like?

I offered to take nate out to early birthday dinner via text. he has not gotten back to me. chances are he is asleep and/or still out of town. i kinda get the vibe that he does not want to hang out with me anymore. which is fine. i want to be a little hermit-y for a bit anyway.

guys always read me wrong. they seem to want to make things more complicated than they are and i do not need that. i am just looking for friends who care--regardless of gender or sexual attraction. it seems to be too much to ask of most people.

jason flaked again. surprise, surprise. why was i so gaga over such a self-centered ass? I mean, _everyone_ is self-centered...but not to the jason degree. i, at least, say what i mean. he says what he thinks others want to hear, but acts in a way that serves only himself. ugh!

i hung out with simon on wednesday. it was boring and pleasant. maybe we should never have broken up. maybe that is as good as it gets. i was soooo bored/agitated with simon, but he was so kind and so....there. maybe i should just marry the next guy who is into me b/c this is getting to be a drag.

i don't really mean any of that--i have been whining about my lack of boyfriend for a bit now. and, truly, i am not at all miserable. blogs are just a good place to whine. and it would just be nice to have someone who was around when i needed someone to read in bed with, to go out to dinner with, to walk the dog with, to nap with, to cook with. etc.

meh, i don't know. i just want some attention from someone who is into me. nothing heavy---just some attention and nice words.

the good, the bad, the ugly

i have had a headache for 8 days now.

i spent a lot of time around a lot of people and i am still kinda lonely inside.

my house is very furry.

my roof caved in again.

i get to see old HS people tonight

i am kinda excited to clean my house.

i just finished 2 good YA books.

i have eaten extremely good food.

my nephews have cracked me up numerous times.

i still have a day and a half off of work.

christmas break is in 3 weeks.

oskar kinda smells.

i need to go shopping for food and supplies and it seems a bit scary in consumer world.

my paycheck was very meager due to taking one month off from work.

it is already 1:30 pm--where did the morning go?

i do not think i can pay my bills this month without dipping heavily into savings.

i was not really saving for anything anyway.

i need to cosmetically upgrade my house. i like to plan.

ok, time to stop blogging.

tonight, tonight

i am about to go home in a couple few minutes (nathulalism). When i get home, this is what i am going to do:

1) change into workout clothes.
2) walk dog as warmup
3) run for 20 minutes
4) make grocery list and check e-mail while stretching
5) go to CVS to refill Rx.
6) grocery shop
7) make hashbrowns for dinner and eat them
8) shower
9) finish _Homecoming_

i feel like i need a tenth thing. hrm....oh, i can cut my nails. there. ok--on my mark---get set--....

corn fusion

I am very confused. i need definite answers, but i do not want to get into awkward conversations. not right now. methinks if i make myself totally passive, i will have my answers soon enough. you know---with actions speaking louder than words and all. i do not like to speak about boys on this blog, but i am just confused. everything has fizzled and we are all buddybuddy. i am just confused.

teaching and screeching

I need to retthink some things in my classroom. I am trying to keep the status quo until thanksgiving break, though. I feel that coming back after 4 days off will be a good time to change seating, the class schedule, etc. Right now I am thinking of how to redo silent reading time. Maybe it needs to be at the end of class? hrm. I am scratching silent reading for today. It is friday--i want to get further in the novels. Ok---time for me to get back to grading.

refocus

so, i know i am not supposed to blog at work...and i try not to--but when i lose focus, it is one of the only things--if not the only thing -- that helps me regain focus and get back to planning. I only blog during my planning period, and never spend more than 15 minutes doing it. I would waste much more than that amount of time if i did not blog and instead just zonked out.

so today--i just got my swine 'flu shot. I got to get the shot and not the mist b/c i am diabetic---so i guess something good comes out of having the sugar. and i guess i should not have eaten those 2 poptarts right after lunch. i was just---as always---craving some sugar.

I need to dig out my to do list. i have to go to the library in 30 mins b/c another teacher uses my room. Having double planning on silver days REALLY makes my life more manageable. I was truly suffering---as was my planning---before.

So now, to get back on track---i am going to get SOL coach books for the 6th and 7th graders and stock them in my room somewhere--meaning i should make some shelf space. Then i will head to the library to plan out this week's and next week's lessona. I also need to watch the blood borne pathogens video and call all parents.

organize, materials, move, video, organize, plan, return. i am refocused. now to get to it.

sapdate

i had a decent weekend, maybe even a really good one.

it finally stopped raining on friday morning and was overcast on friday evening and all day saturday. I volunteered at the marathon on saturday. My assistant principal ran and today he told me it gave him an extra burst of energy to see me at mile 25---and that felt good. I am surprised he can even walk today---but he seems to be in better shape than i am. I stood outside holding up water and raking cups for 4 hours and i am sore as all get out....I also started week 2 of couch to 5K training---still wussy, but still too much for wussy me. I am not a runner, but i will try.

Sunday, I went with a friend out to breakfast and then to meander through hollywood cemetery and then to bowtie to see _to kill a mockingbird_ i love that movie. then i napped, did laundry, ran, mowed my grass, watched a DVD and thought about doing school work.

Today at school was MASSIVELY crazy---seems like everyone under the age of 15 has a case of the giggles or the grumpies. no one was just even-keeled today. except me. i am very even today.

and now, even though i know it is a bad idea, i am going to go home and take a nap. you see, tomorrow, I must be here 'til 7 pm. so today, i am gonna goof off. I have tons to do--but i think i can do it all in a 12 hour workday tomorrow.

day

it is the middle of my first day back. i have no more classes to teach today. which is good, b/c i have to wrap my head around a lot of stuff.

i just went through all of my e-mail to see what i missed. not much.

next, i am going to go to the library and set up shop and work through the paperwork stuff.

i am really drowsy; i want to go home and take a nap---which would break my first rule of trying to sleep only from 10 pm to 6:30 am. oh, well--- i am a napper.

ok, i am going to get off my blog and back into my real life.

i think i might actually be doing really well. i wish everything wasn't so cyclical. i wish i could keep up the good---but at least i know the bad is only temporary (thank you for the reminder Avenue Q)

i need a few stay sane goals though, now that i am returning to work. i think these will suffice

1) I gotta sleep from 10-6:30. My sleep schedule gets too crazy and then i lose it.
2) I gotta leave work by 4:30 pm. An extra hour at work is enough. I will stay later on fridays to do grades and boards and whatever.....but i will try to get out by 4:30 every other day.
3) I will only lesson plan on sunday afternoons for 3 hours--the rest of the weekend is MINE.
4) I will stop thinking about my future and live in the present. seems funny to say, but i am spending too much time thinking about what i want to be doing. i think i might finally just have to bloom where i have been planted.

go me! let us hope the good feeling lasts---it should last through today at least. right now, i am going to try out my new weed whacker....then i am going to shower and go have lunch at my parents' house with mini, suhail and navi. after that, i am going to think about lessons for the week at ellwood's ...I am going to end my night by watching a movie and ironing my clothes for the week. oooh! i need to pack a lunch also. which means i should go buy fruit at the grocery store. alright. gettting on it right now....

return of the sapni

monday, i go back to work.

today, i went back to my classroom and got my planning stuff. alana did a much better job with my kids than i was doing. my classroom looks great.

i am kinda excited to go back---not so excited to be behind and trying to figure stuff out. but the key is "one day at a time."

I will be happy to see heather and jessica and a few others. i plan on fully avoiding everyone else for the rest of the year. not so good, i know---but other teachers add to my stress.

i keep saying i will not sign the contract for next year---that i am done....that i am going to finish out this contract and not look back. which might not be true. if i could go back to last year, if i could teach the classes i signed on to teach, if i could even start this year over with all the glitches ironed out...but maybe that is what monday will be...sure 9 weeks is over, but there are 27 weeks left. i can just start from the beginning in a way. i can be a new person. i molted over this leave of absence.

i am going to plug along and keep a low profile. there is so much i could be doing, but i need to cover the basics first---this year did not start off well. let us see if i can salvage it.

to do to day

i am sluggish. blah.

i also hurt. my back a bit and my insides a bit. i am hoping that a very hot shower will cure all of this.

so far today, i have done dishes and laundry (sans folding and putting away). I have taken the dog on a semi-long wok. I have done day 3 of "couch to 5k" running training. I am going to start over with day one on sunday, so melissa can get on the schedule too. I am not sad ot do week one again. Today was rough; i am not ready to move on to week 2 if i cannot do wussy week 1 training without feeling like i am going to die.

However, though i physically feel dead, my brain feels better---running drove away my funk...kinda. now let's see if i can get the rest of my chores accomplished

1)shower
2)go to target and but baby shower gift for stacey's baby.
3) go to doctor at 4:30.
4) come home and fold laundry
5) watch copious amounts of danger mouse.
6) ride with melissa to deliver soup to richard.
7) #hashbrownnetworking
8) read _Breathing Lessons_ until passing out.

starting monday, my to do lists are going to be much shorter and much more stressful. blah.

stick a fork in me....

i am done, done, done, done.

i got ditched again. yes, again.

I made a return to dating about 2 months ago and have struck out twice---a month of each boy---b/c they are not ready for serious relationships....who is???? I mean, i know they would be ready if i was the right person. I guess these words are just stock words that boys use when they are not that into you.

And I was not crazy for either of these guys--they both had pretty major drawbacks that would have prevented anything long-term, but I wasn't looking for anything serious. I was looking for something that developed over time maybe. I was looking to have a good, caring time with another human being.

I can deal with rejection---really, I can. but repeated rejection? Over this "I really like you, but I am not in a good place right now" bullshit? How many times am I going to hear this? What is wrong with me? Why am I not a good catch?

I know what those reasons were in the past and I have worked on me. A lot. I cannot work on me anymore. I am done with dating. I can't do this anymore.

jeez oh peez

it is a rainy sunday. I am at ellwood's and writing. This is almost blissful.

I _really_ am trying to get my mother stories into some sort of shareable format. I would prefer to do stand-up, but I have no idea how to get started. It is hard to write this stuff down. Especially since so much depends on the accent. Also, i always adjust my stories for my audience---some call it lying, I call it creative embellishment. You got to work with reaction. It is what makes a good story teller.

I just typed story yeller and laughed. I would love to be a story yeller.

I wish i could write like david sedaris. I have enough zany material. Hugh has nothing on my mom.

I got a tarot reading yesterday. It was very positive. It was very strange too, b/c as soon as she looked at the cards, she asked "Have you been thinking about changing careers? making steps towards that goal?" um....creepy.... she said it was a very, very opportunistic time for me in all aspects of life: career, love, goals....And that I need to keep an open mind and keep my eyes peeled for new paths. Here's to hoping.

She stressed that any dating I am doing now is just to open me up for other opportunities. It seemed so strange. I haven't dated in so long and here I am kinda dating again and i feel good about it. like i am back in the game, even if these are only scrimmages. My brain has calmed down for the first time ever. I can be into someone and not act crazy...I can hope someone will call, but not get distressed when they are not that into me--but still get happy when they are. i like this....this is the way life should be.

I go back to work in a week. I am not sure if that is enough time to fine a new path and i am not even so sure that I am NOT going to sign my contract next year (read: i might teach next year)....but I just feel capable again. like, work can be work and i can keep my life separate. life outside of work would be so fabulous.

Ah---happiness---they name is sapna.

new news

dear god--so much is happening and nothing is happening at all.

life is a mess of computer issues, boys, dogs, friends, costumes, and family.

computer issues--i have bought a new computer. i am determined to become computer savvy. My brain is working better than it has in a while. I might be able to do this. I do not need to understand much...i just how to do what i need to do on my computer. first lessons, pictures and music. I can download both pics and music, but I have no idea how to trouble shoot. and this i will learn.

boys- i feel like my dry spell is over, but only shallowly. I am meeting lots of boys--but none with real potential. which is sad b/c i like boys. but it is good to feel like a catch again, even if i do not feel like a long-term catch.

dogs---been spending a lot of time with bear, which is great b/c i love bear. and so does oskar. oskar gets to happy when bear is over. i love our dynamic trio. except at 7 am when everyone other than me wants to go on a walk.

friends---i love my friends!!! I always feel like i have no good friends in richmond b/c jenny, meredith, joe, sarah, christine, and mini all live far away. But i love hanging out with melissa and alana and I have been getting really close to both of them over the past year or so. I just rediscovered renu and lucy :) And there is always the HS gang: Micah&Shannon, Nate&Tiffany, Kristina, Brooke, Heather&Adam....there are a few people from HS that live in town and i would like to hang out with more---ok, jerry. maybe others....and then there is the strayer crowd (stacey, bryan, matt, kathy, kim, heather, brian, emily, dave) that i have utterly neglected. Hopefully with the baby shower and water stop activities, i can get back into that. I _do_ have love in richmond--it is just hard to have such a spread out core of friends also. Wouldn't it be great (in a way) to go back to dorm living???

costumes---i was wonder woman for halloween. 'nough said.

family-- i have been spending waaaay too much of my leave of absence with my family. but strangely, it has been really good. I am putting my foot down with my sister, actually becoming friends with my mom and helping out my dad. it is been really good. we do not have a great family dynamic, and the past month has not _really_ been that different, i just seem to be able to appreciate what we do have a bit more. That, and my parents keep taking me shopping--so no complaints from me.

ok, now moving on---i need to clean my house and have a party. any theme suggestions? maybe a super hero theme so i can wear my WW costume again.....

I also need to start running. I hate it, but it is time to tell this diabetes who is boss. And i will feel so good about myself if i am a runner. and maybe the gut will pack its tires and leave.

and lastly, i need a hobby. something really cool. maybe i will set up a darkroom in my bathroom. or start painting again. i always say this. maybe i should just go back to work....i feel my mental health is FINALLY back. but i will take this last week of leave to be mentally healthy and love life.

me eat meat

I have been vegetarian since march 9, 1993---to be fair, i probably ate fish for another few months before totally going vegetarian. My mom told me that if i did not eat fish, she would not sign my papers to play soccer. Then she went to India mid-season and I stopped eating fish. I love fish. The taste of fish is the best taste ever.

anyway, it has been 16.5 years and I am debating eating fish again. I have been vegetarian longer than i at meat....but I am overwhelmed with the desire to eat fish. It is so strange. I identify so strongly with being vegetarian. I am not an asshole. I would NEVER care if anyone else ate meat, and I get pissed off when people ream me for not eating meat---but I do not think it is a righteous or holy lifestyle. I do not think that eating meat is wrong--it just makes me personally sad. But I am beginning to think I am not so sad for the fish. Not that their life is worth less than mine or whatever, but they sure taste delicious. And i like good food.

boots

i am on a quest for boots with my sister.

the drive here was very good--- a time for introspection and watching leaves change color.

i came to no conclusions....but i introspeculated a lot.

well, i did conclude that i need boots. so brb.

stick with it

I have decided not to go to grad school. At least, not yet. I want to decide my career path BEFORE I pay a lot of money to get more educated.

So for now, I will bloom where planted...and dream of greener pastures. My main problem right now is that I am messing with my meds. I have enough medication in me to pickle my insides....but the old stuff I was taking was making me really fat and really sleepy. So now I am slimming down and staying awake---but the panic and depression are rearing their ugly heads. But it will all level out eventually. I just hope it levels out before i go nuts....

I just started doubling my dose (at the doc's suggestion) thursday--to combat the PMDD. And really, i thought PMDD was a farce--but the week before my period, i turn into a crazy monster unless I am properly medicated. Last week was rough. Hopefully it was hormonal. Hopefully the doubled dose will help that.

My principal is a great man. I talked to him about how my brain is not a good place due to the medication tinkering and how my body never feels good b/c of the new med side-effects....and he is going to try to help me out. I am really glad I have a great principal. I will feel like crap if i have to let him down. But I really know I am not on the right career path. Let us see if i can make it to june.

mad school

I am thinking of applying to graduate school. I wish I could make it another year of teaching--to get "tenure" and all of that...but I do not think i can. so my three grad school ideas are:

Social Work (Ph.D)
Clinical Psychology (Ph.D.)
Creative Writing (M.F.A)

I know I cannot afford it and all that jazz. I know the last one is barely worth the paper it is written on. blah blah blah. Grad school is all about networking and making inside contacts. And I think i am ready to go into real debt. I mean, i have debt due to the house and car....but that is all manageable and sellable if it becomes otherwise. Grad school debt----hrm.

So I know it is "illegal" to get married for citizenship....which i think is crazy--is "love" the only reason to get married??? seems silly and unpredictable....marriage laws suck anyway.

but i digress...i know green card marriages are frowned upon---but what about health insurance/rent marriages??? I am willing to be married to someone for a few years to get their health insurance and some rent money. In return, I will cook and clean and be a wife and stuff. Seems like what most marriages devolve into anyway.....and if we find a better arrangement, we can get divorced---and this is why most divorces happen. It would be just like a real marriage without the false hope of it being all lovey dovey forever. great idea, sapna. so what is my next step? Craigslist ad?

foul, foul, foul

i was gonna go t othe doctor's about my back-but i didn't even have a moment to call. and when i left work, i was way to hungry to do anything but eat-- I mean...I stopped making sense. I could not schedule and appt. I was supposed ot meet my mom for lunch. Came straight here, she is not here and my dad says she has gone to the gym. She is not answering her cell. I am eating lunch. I am in a baaaad mood.

Outta my way, world!

Then i will call the doc for a back appt if they even still have one this late.

Then i will look for a new job. I am so over teaching.

Then i will get ready for tomorrow.

Then i will try to enjoy life again.

syrup in my hair

I don't care!!!!

I am probably not supposed to be blogging at work, but the truth is I do not care. i just realized that at this rate---I am not going to get ahead monetarily. I cannot make ends meet at this job---I do not have that many expenses...mostly house and car. I do not go shopping for clothes every weekend (apparently many teachers here do). I do not have children (again, most teachers here do). I do not party, travel, etc.

Why am I broke? Why did i not at least get my cost of living raise this year? And they froze steps---so i do not even get a years of teaching experience raise until they unfreeze that. So I am destined to be broke and I reffuse to accept responsibility for this. I live a modest life, maybe not a meager one, but modest enough that my salary should afford me some space to save....and it is not.

AND I am working 10 hour days EASILY. so--I can't even get a part-time job. I work my tail off. I never used to think that teachers were underpaid....until i did my budget this summer...and realized I am blowing through my massive savings (not so massive anymore) just to afford this job. I have to dip into savings and I am not even having that good of a time? crazy.

So I am going to blog at work. it restores my sanity better than anything else when I am stressed. And so, it should be allowed. I either need enough money to stop being stressed or I need to relax some of these rules. i do what i can.

and believe you me--10 hour days are the next thing to go.

sunday night stress

so i always get stressed on sundays in september. and i always hate my job on sundays in september. During the week, I am okay---and friday and saturday, I am having fun. But sunday's in september--the start of the school year--I have way too much planning to do and way too much organizing and way too much to get used to. And i spend my sundays looking for new jobs.

so i did this today.

I might go get my Ph.D. i might work for the department of corrections. I might get a roommate and work for a coffee shop again. Hrm. I wonder if ellwood's is hiring. If i got a roomate and charged that person $500 a month (would you pay $500 a month to live with me? all utilities included) I would only have to make a take home salary of $2000 A MONTH to live a better life than i do right now. Shit. that is $500 a week. $100 a day. $9 an hour. That's it-- I am quitting my job.

I am totally going to work at ellwood's. great health benefits.

oops, i did it again.

I wasted saturday. and totally plan on being productive tomorrow. but this is okay b/c i had fun last night and recharged today with organizing and napping. and tonight, i am hanging out with 3 people i love (melissa, christine, and grantham) and maybe hanging out with a 4th I love (alana). I REFUSE to drink tonight, b/c i WILL be uber productive tomorrow night.

my spell check is okay with uber--kinda cool. 5 years ago, it was not. Cultural diffusion has reached spell check. I wish i know how to type umlauts. ack! spell check is okay with that too....maybe my spell check is broken. or german. mittwoch. krank. rghty. jortnious. ok-- spell check is broken.

Tomorrow, I will get up at 7 and take oskar on the best walk of his life---that right, i am going to let him chomp on cats!!!

ok, not really---but he would enjoy a cat-chomping walk a lot. I have 2 to do lists--one for home and one for school. Both are managable, sort of. My school one will take me more than a day---but I might be able to blow the top off the mountain a bit. My home one will have to wait. I am trying to set up a general agenda for myself. I wanted to reach the goal of doing no school-related stuff on the weekends, but that seems impossible. When I get home from work on the weekdays, i am too tired to think. So i think that I will devote that time to house work. i find house work relaxing, and it does not require brain power. so i will do the chores i try to do on saturday after 5 on weekdays. I will do my week's work of lesson planning and grading from noon-5 on sundays. I will relax and write and play with oskar and mess around on the internet and take long walks on saturday. i will go out/ be social on friday nights. i will go to church (ellwood's in the morning and sit outside and contemplate life) before noon on sundays. I will take a long bath and reflect in my journal on sunday nights. I will write my novel on saturday afternoons, post nap. I will love my life more than i ever have before.

I will lose the required 30 pounds (20 more to go!) (shit, i have lost 10 pounds---being totally stressed out at work has been good for something). I will not stay at work later that 5 each day and I will only bring work home on the weekends or if i cannot stay until 5. I will update my grades and boards every friday. I will stretch more and drink more water. i will not skimp on walking oskar. I will stop bad-mouthing myself. I will apply for a new job for next year.

i have momentum. but now i have to lose it b/c i cannot start on any of that stuff right now.

ok, i think i am going to read more psmith (my new favorite) until my friends get here and I am the DD for oktoberfest.

puke

I am sitting at ellwood's and i think i am going to throw up. I do not feel well. I should totally leave. ok--going to do that now....but i have not done anything i wanted to do for work. so here is my plan. go home, puke and nap, wake up, shower, work 'til it is all done. ugh! i really, really feel awful.

achy breaky me

I have survived the first day of school. I really hurt and just want to throw up. I hurt from being active all day. I want to throw up b/c i am still adjusting to the meds. It is 7 pm. I am at ellwood's. I am thinking about making ellwood's a priority. I like it here. However, there is a lady doing a dramatic piece for an audience of three and it is kind of wigging me out.

I am no longer teaching truly blocked classess....so now i need to decide what I am teaching tomorrow. I think the first day or school should be the friday before labor day. Then you have 3 days to really get ready. You do not know what to expect until the first day.

I think this is my penultimate year of teaching. I do not have much more in me.

labor day

it is start-of-school eve, and I am not ready. I am _never_ ready for the first day of school. This year, though, I am starting a new medication and it would be great to be done with the side-effects (nausea and dizziness and upset stomach) before school started. No such luck. So I think tomorrow is going to suck. oh well.

it's getting better all the time

I am loving work again. I just needed to get back into the swing of things and also remember the rule to happiness: "ignore the things you do not like."

ok, not really. But my attitude has been properly adjusted and having Heather even closer so we can vent to each other is really helpful. i like having a friend that I can whine to and who can whine to me. It is all small stuff, but it helps to let it out. I _love_ my job--but there is a lot of small stuff that gets me down.

But what a difference since California, huh? Remember _that_ first day of school? I hope I never forget getting that low. it makes this all seem like the top of the world....

Also, I am currently disenchanted with 2 boys I was enchanted with. And this is a good thing b/c they were terrible creatures to be enchanted with--not worth my thoughts, yet they still had them. But it is all better now. Though I am getting down about being totally undateable and/or isolated.

And oskar misses me when i am at work. It is a good feeling to be missed.

return of ms. shenoy

My classroom is haunted. Which is fine by me, for now.

My body feels like lead. I am not sure if I should go home and take a nap or go to ellwood's and try to read more about reading. I think I will go walk the dog and then see how I feel.

Today has not been so awful other than I have done very little. I am glad I got my classroom mostly set up last week. I set up the furniture the way I like it today and tomorrow, I hope to get a handle on all this paper. I have oodles of stuff to go through and figure out and the whatnot. Oh well. And so another year begins.

I feel old and drained and tired and useless.

I have a homeroom this year. Which is terrible b/c it means I will have to do all sorts of testing and receipting and collecting of funds....not good. i muddle these things terribly.

Ok, I deserve some coffee. I might even be on my free one. So, home, wok dog, go to ellwood's, read about reading, home again, sleep, rise and shine and have a better day/mood tomorrow.

better in the morning.

I went to bed really grumpy (and really early) last night. I am mad about the new course I must teach, I am mad that I have to go to work on monday, I am mad that I did not accomplish all of my summer goals. I am mostly mad that summer is over. Bah Humbug!

I was so upset last night that I even contemplated playing the lottery. That is huge for me.

And as I drifted off to sleep (with an annoyed non-wokked oskar sighing loudly next to me) I thought of that damn, optimistic phrase" "It will all look better in the morning." And I was so annoyed. It will look the same in the morning. I am still embarking on a new academic year at a place I used to love when I used to not have to teach Read 180. It sucks to have been teaching for 4 years now and not teach the same course 2 years in a row. I cannot get any better from year to year if my experiences are thrown out the window and I have to start afresh every year!!!

anyway---i woke up at 7 (to oskar sighing loudly) and everything _did_ look better. Damn the optimists for being right! I walked oskar and made breakfast and it dawned on me, I love weekends. I have a whole day to do stuff and I have no plans other than a cookout at 4. I am going to garden and read and cook and hang out with my mutt. And it feels different (maybe not better) than summer b/c I worked really hard yesterday and I _earned_ some goof off time.

I just need to remember to make sure I enjoy every weekend thoroughly.
I also need to remember to keep my work at work. After 4 on weekedays and all day on weekends is SAPNA TIME!

back-to-school snail

I have been in my classroom for the past 4 hours-- I do not have 4 hours worth of work to show for it. I am mostly decorating even though that is the least important task on my to-do list.

But here's a question: Why do people ask me why I have a map up? I _know_ I teach reading and not social studies. I kept a map of the world up even when I taught math. I like the way it looks, I like being able to reference it when needed, and i _know_ that my students have a a really poor geography skills.

Basic geography is such a life skill. Many of these kids have no idea what 3 countries make up North America. Heck, half of these kids don't even understand what I mean when i ask that question. A little extra knowledge never hurt anyone.

I am so not excited about my new curriculum. In fact, I totally want to bail on this teaching gig b/c of it. I am glad I bought my house. It keeps me from bailing.

shank rug

so I am trying to make a new rug for my classroom. The rug I have now is tattered and I really do not want to pay for a new one, so I decided to see if I can put all those old, ratty sheets I have to good use.

I have seen many rag rugs recently and looked up how to make one. Most directions online were rather shoddy. They were like "braid scraps together and then crochet yourself a rug" um....i can crochet kinda, but nothing i have ever made has ended up in rag rug shape....

Then I came to one site that had a video and step-by-step directions. And this lady was calling it a "toothbrush rag rug." She says you need a "modified toothbrush" to create a rag rug---and then she tells you how to make a shank!!!!

Dual purpose! I will use my modified toothbrush (aka shank) to make a rug and then I will stab my jail-mates! I love repurposing. It is better than recycling and reducing combined!

summertime blues

Summer is over. I am sad about it. I really wanted this summer to be some kind of wonderful....and it was restful and fun, but not AMAZING.

I went into work yesterday. This was the 3rd time this summer that I have gone in---teacher work week actually doesn't start until next week, but the new teachers are here this week. I was supposed to have training yesterday and today, but today's got canceled. I was going to go in anyway--it was my plan to go in every day this week. However, I got really sad about summer being over so i decided to waste the morning at ellwood's instead.

I definitely did not accomplish all I wanted to this summer. Which just means i need to plan better for the year. My main problem is that I try to do only school during the school year and save all my projects/fun/extracurriculars for the summer. And I get more done when I have more to do. I work best under pressure--what can i say?

So my new plan is to plan better. The first baby steps are 1) getting up at 6 am daily and 2) saving money through careful tracking of my spending. I can do this. I am going to focus on these baby steps until october 1st. Then i go full-speed ahead with a social agenda.

beer my dear

i love beer. I should go to bars more. Why do I always try to be good these days? Being bad was so much more fun. Argh. I go back to work on Monday and I am such a school marm. Professional spinster.

anyone want to suggest a city to move to where my single-ness would not plague me so?

ode to melissa

I have some _very_ good friends. Maybe I cannot find onetrueromantic love because my life is bursting with unbridled platonic love....I have reached my quota.

Today, I am going to gush about melissa.
oh--words are failing me.

My life is just better with Melissa in it. She is the type of person you can really count on. Fiercely loyal and just genuinely good. Cliche though it is---she makes me want to be a better person. She is pure and without pretense. And that is very rare.

Again---words fail me. What i am trying to describe here...she is the type of person who will give you a ride to the train station and it is actually not a burden...she likes to help. She will be as upset as you are when your deck furniture gets stolen. She will love your dog like he is her own. She will be friends with your friends and not be weird about it. She will remember that pink cocktails make you feel better. She will remember all sorts of little things b/c she actually cares about her friends. She will help you better your life. She actually walks her talk and has awe-inspiring self-control. She is a gracious host and a great cook. She loves her job and her dog and does not half-ass her hobbies. She is a jill-of-all-trades and is just an inspiration to enjoy, enjoy, enjoy doing what you do.

Melissa is the type of friend you can depend on and not feel guilty for doing so. She is good people.

shenoy-molloy

I am currently in Savannah, Georgia. It is beautiful here. I have not really done any touristy things. I have just enjoyed being in the south and relaxing. I love the south. Richmond might just not be southern enough for me.

I met up with my friend Rob Molloy here. We used to hang out in college---I met him after I got back from Ireland. He is just so incredibly dear to me. I will _always_ have a soft spot in my heart for him. It was just enchanting to be in such a pretty place with a boy I am so fond of. I am not a NSA kind of girl and rob and I do not have an idyllic past---but he is an ideal vacation buddy if the point of the vacation is just to be comfortable and be treated well.

And he has fried his memory in a variety of ways. I could write volumes about the robsapnasaga and he cannot remember an iota-- which is just as well, I guess. Olvidar es perdonar.

And it is strange---i have been desperately seeking love for about 6 years now and it has actually been my folly. I want this feeling and i force situations and ruin perfectly decent situations b/c they are not the feeling i want. I turned 25 and just got this massive desire to love instead of lust. I want more than I get-- I want partnership and fun and actual consideration. Not just dinners and desire. And it makes me crazy. I get crazy around the men i date b/c they do not mesh with what i need. I do not want to rush off and get married. I do not even need the promise of longterm love. I just want to be loved in the now. Really loved for who I am.

I fear no one sees me for me. I want a person who loves me for the reasons I love me. It seems to be too much to ask.

But this trip was perfect for that. I do not expect to see rob again for a few years...but when we are together, we mesh. We mesh in the way 2 people can when they are not scared of ruining the situation. Two people who know each other so well in so many ways. No need to talk about futures or pasts or even right nows. Just hang out and be good to each other. Then part ways on a fond note, refreshed and refocused on the real life we must return to.

It is so different with rob. He does not make me crazy in the head. I really like him, I immensely enjoy our time together--but i do not need more from him. I don't want more from him. I would actually freak out if he wanted more from me. I like our affectionate friendship. Even back in the day, I never wanted to date him. I just wanted him to be around me. My intentions always got misconstrued.

This trip made me a better person. It restored my faith in myself. I love hanging out with me.

the grass is greener

my mother does not want me to lose weight. She just came by with a ton of my favorite indian food on her way out of town. And I go out of town tomorrow. dang it all---so tempting. I am doing one of those weird they-mail-you-everything-to-eat diets. It is not working. It will work better when I stop going on vacation and when i stop supplementing with 4th meal.

so it will be better when school starts...unless there is cake and/or candy everywhere. I am destined to be a fat teacher. dang it! Maybe I will freeze this stuff and forget about it. Good idea, sapna....

Today, Melissa and I are going to the beach for the cure. I am going to cut and paste and e-mail from melissa to explain what this is:

"Saturday is the feast of the assumption of Mary into heaven (body and soul, duh). On the way up, she dropped her cloak over the Atlantic, which is why it's blue. Every year on 8/15, there's a cure in the water.

This comes from my Irish grandmother who spent summers in Rockaway, which seems to be the center of this myth/superstition/religiou

s belief in America. But my dad was in Northern Ireland last week and his cab driver told him about the cure there. Same ocean at least. My grandmother once made my uncle change the surprise plane tickets he bought her for a gift, because she refused to be out of Rockaway on the 15th. He tried to tell her the Pacific is even bluer so the cure is probably better, but she wouldn't hear it."

so, we are going to go to the atlantic and be cured. I am hoping for no back pain, the ability to lose weight when i try so I can stave off diabetes, no sleep disorder, and maybe even some mental stability. Here's to hoping. I walked backwards into the oceanat midnight on El Dia de San Juan Bautista (25 de Junio) in puerto rico. That was supposed to cure me as well. So hopefully I will be doubly good after today.

but before all that, I am going to go mow my lawn and freeze this food. Then I am going to pack for savannah....I leave tomorrow. I will be back in the RVA very early on friday morning. Please swing by my house and check on it. Still no deck furniture....

the times, they are a-changin'

so i got robbed a few days ago, and it shook me. And i thought about leaving richmond. it was my first thought, in fact. But in the middle of the night last night (yet another mostly sleepless one) I realized that actually I need to redouble my resolve.

I will not be ousted. I must stay and fight and make Church Hill a better place. So there!

awesome richmond

I was robbed. I dabbled with leaving the RVA. I am back to my senses...and now I want everyone to know this town rocks. it really does... and it is getting better and better. Check out some stuff:

1) To the bottom and back
2) eco-coffee
3)hashbrownnetworking
4) first fridays
5) ok. well that is it for now--but feel free to let me know some other awesome richmond things I can check out.

it's just that i've been losing so long

If you believe that I believe the crap i spew, then consider yourself fooled.

i am not a happy person. I have never been a happy person. I live only because I must and strive to find small joy because I know there is no big joy. It is a simple minded philosophy coming from a very sick mind.

I will never be better. I have better days and worse days. i have better hours and worse hours. But my autoimmune disease of the brain will never go away. It will always haunt me. it will always make me hate myself even though I know better. I can keep it at bay and be symptom free for a looooong looooong time. I can fake it. But I will never make it. and it drains all my energy to fake it. It is why I cannot have deep "meaning of life" conversations anymore. I cannot tip the fine balance without dire consequence.

And small things set me off. Like having my camera stolen in Budapest. Like having my luggage stolen by a TSA agent in Dulles Airport, like having my photo equipment stolen in college, like having all of my deck furniture stolen today.

Not all things that set me off have to do with theft. Theft is just heavy on my mind today.

But the point is-- i say a lot about positive thinking and focusing on the good. People have falsely thought I am idealistic and peppy and optimistic. Not so....I even sent out a rant to my coworkers about how the negative talk had to stop at our school. And everyone thought I was trying to make the school a better place. Everyone was impressed that I was so dedicated to optimism. Not so....i was trying to actively block out negativity b/c my own is all i can deal with. If I get burdened with even the slightest external issue, i crumble.

I fight _hard_ to make it through every day. I am winning. I do a lot of self-talk and journaling and redirecting negative thoughts...and that is when I have no one else weighing me down. I am not _actively_ miserable--it is just that i dedicate 90% of my energy just trying to not crumble. Things could be worse...but do not tell me it is easy to be me. Try _really_ despising yourself---it sucks. Do not for a second believe me when I say everything is okay--but do not ask me what is wrong. It is what is always wrong and if i think about it too much, I cannot keep my symptoms at bay.

So yes. I need you to be positive around me and I will cut you out of my life if you are not. Not because of anything other than it drags me down to the pit of despair and I can't even think about escaping.

Avoidance, thy name is sapna. This makes me a bad friend. This keeps me single. This makes me slightly reclusive. This makes me avoid others during their times of strife. i wish it was not this way, but the other option is not pretty.

no sleep 'til brooklyn

ugh!

it is 1:20 a.m. I desperately want to be asleep. but I am not. I cannot seem to fall asleep at night anymore. and then I cannot stay awake during the day. Then I take a massive nap. and then I am wide awake all night....

vicious.

cycle.

continues.

Tomorrow I have a meeting from 8-10 and then a dentist appt at 1 and a doc appt at 4. I am hoping that this will keep me running around enough to not nap and get back on schedule. And then i wonder if it is not an issue of schedule, but if it is the whole sleeping sickness rearing its head again.

2 nights ago, I tossed and turned. Yesterday, I decided that I hated wasting time trying to be asleep. I gave it a good shot from midnight until 2 am. Then I read from 2-3. Then I tossed and turned until about 4:30 or so. I got up at 8 and just couldn't stay in bed. Today, I read until after midnight and my eyes felt sleepy. But i just cannot sleep. So i came down to eat breakfast. I was really hungry and thought maybe fixing that problem would help me sleep. I discovered a new breakfast that I like that is totally diabetic friendly. I have to keep my morning meal at 45 carbs and about 300 calories... now i have 3 options

1) 2 eggs over easy with 2 slices of whole wheat toast --- This is only 20 carbs....but at the right calories level. I am currently forgoing this option as my parents left me with 2 dozen eggs when they went on their trip and I just finished them. I do not want to see another egg for a while.

2) 1 cup red berries special K, 3/4ths of a cup of protien plus special K and a cup of soymilk...this great for both carbs and calories....

3) now I have discovered that 2 whole grain waffles with 1/2 a tablespoon of earth balance and 1/8th of a cup of reduced calorie syrup (which is plenty) fits in with carbs and calories also---Who knew I could have syrup??? Granted, this is not the most complex/filling meal I could have and will probably be starving by lunch time. I can throw some peanut butter into the mix without it affecting the carb count.

I think I should start being good about my diabetic diet. It is time. I hate being the "dieting freak" but I need to take care of my body. I hate having to explain that I cannot eat out b/c I have no eating out self-control. Or eating in for that matter. This is why i started diettogo.com stuff. I am not losing weight, but then again it is 1:30 in the morning and I am eating waffles. I will start being good about "supplementing" as soon as I get back from savannah. I need to get this weight off my belly so my blood sugar will be normal again and I can keep my feet for as long as I live.

SAPDATE: 3:00 a.m. and not sleepy. this sucks.

listserv

this weekend has been a wash chore-wise and narcolepsy-wise. Socially it has been great (though I feel bad for missing nate and tiffany's movie on friday--I was too groggy). I also feel bad for not attending the watermelon fesitval--but it was waaay too hot today. I did not do the needed yardwork and housework and I start work work again tomorrow. I slept on and off all weekend and totally messed up any progress I am making establishing a normal pattern.

But in good news:

1) I finally got my reading specialist license and do not have to deal with HR (until 2011 (no idea why my license is only good 'til then.) I mean, I got the original in 2006 and so 2011 will be the 5 years--but doesn't adding on an endorsement count as recert points? Maybe I just have to submit that paperwork in 2011 to be good to go til 2016? I hope so. I do not want to take any more classes until I am 40. Which I will be. soon. ugh.

So now the plan is to teach at my current until I renew my license (July 2011--2 more years) and then look for new jobs....so actually, I will stay at Rolfe through June 2012 and work on selling my house and moving that school year. I just want to live somewhere that is not Richmond. Maybe even leave virginia or the country for a few years. Why not enjoy the roots-free benefits of being perpetually single? I am excited. east bay, portland, and NYC top my U.S. list. oooh. or teaching on a reservation??? Out of the country, I would go to Austria or South America. Maybe Spain. OOH! or italy. mmm...gelato.

oh, back to the good newses

2) I finally burned all of my CDs into itunes. yay me! it only took 3 years. To my credit, my dell died earlier this year and I started from scratch with my ibook. It is shocking to me to see how many CDs never made it onto my dell, though.

3) it is finally cooling down a bit and I have the motivation to wok the dog. So off i go.

today, today

I am having a hard time getting focused. I have been up since 7:40. Oskar and I have gone on a walk and I have eaten breakfast and done all my email checking. Now it is about 9:40. I need to get motivated to do my day stuff. So right now, I am going to blog what i am going to do with my morning--with a time frame.

1) edge grass and rake clippings and rework compost pile (done by 11:30)
2) vacuum, sweep (done by 12:30)
3) shower and change and lunch (done by 1:30)
4) drive to ellwood's--arrive at 2 pm to meet alana.

for the afternoon, I need to do my desk chores. making appointments and going through receipts and stuff. I _might_ even tackle that teacher closet of mine. I have been threatening to do this since june 16th.....today might be the day!!!...nah.

coffee and consciousness

I am at ellwood's with jenny.

i am content.

This is the best coffee shop in the world. second is apostasy. if apostasy was this eco-friendly, then it might surpass elwood's. it definitely is in a great location. though ellwood's location is fine with me as we share the same location.

galway is far away.

I have been snotty all summer. no itchy eyes, no scratchy throat. just facial congestion and a throat that needs constant clearing and snotty nose. is there anything i can do about this? I need to not take any more meds.

I also want to tattoo a great quote on me. but there are too many to choose from.

I still have never owned a scottie dog. I need ot correct this soon.

My parents go to Europe on a scandinavian scavenger hunt. ok, just a trip/cruise....but it would be awesome if they were scavenging. I hope when i am 60 that I have the liberty to do such things. Though I am not on the path to have the lives they have had. i am not too broken up about it either.

time to blow my nose.

clean house

I visited christine in pgap and had a lovely time. It is a very beautiful area and I cannot get into how much I love Carter Fold.

But christine's tv introduced me to the show clean house. it was a marathon (they liked to call it a staycation. which i prefer also. i do not even like to pretend to exercise by using exercise words)

anyway, I am a HUGE fan of a clean house and am great at decluttering and would be an excellent addition to that show. Anyone have any connections?

***interrupt all: just checked bank account. big mess. i have $807 dollars to MY NAME!!! I have only had this little in my account twice. Once, when I opened my first bank account as a senior in high school ($200 went in) and last summer when I had my financial crisis. I do not think I even got this low last summer. So see-- I am not talking about $807 "to spend"-- I mean, to my name! (ok, I am not going to dip into my IRA or 401b--penalties galore) AND I already have $235 on my Master Card account (pay it on the 5th of august) and $37 on my AmEx (pay it in a month minus 2 days) So actually, I just have 500andsomething to my name. BUT nothing for house and car due until september 9th and I will get paid twice before then. THOUGH i will get another wireless, utilities, and elec bill before september 9th....ugh! ok, I can do this. must stop spending NOW. on budget mode. I purposely did my part to stimulate the economy. Now I need my money back, please. ok, interruption over. wait--deduct more money. I owe joe $28 and jenny $12. EGADS!!!

if you see me out and about. send me home so I do not spend any money.

I started this post to say "I cleaned like the dickens yesterday before going camping. And there is nothing like returning as dirtycampsapna to a nice, clean house. Ah!" I was going to expound and talk about oskar's camping experience and stuff...but now I think i will retire to my paid-off bed for a nice, free nap.

Clean House? I really could use some extra employment!!!

sapna needs her groove back

I have been bitching about being single for a bit now. I have been functionally single for a little over a year. I was thoroughly enjoying myself up until say....december....I had months of casual dating and fun times....Then I really had a strong desire to be in a relationship --yearnings for affection came out of nowhere---and I sorta started dating this guy and i went gaga for him--not b/c he was gaga worthy, but just b/c I was so needing of it all. he had many saptastic traits (number one: being a flake. why do i love the flakes???) But he also had poky hair and wore glasses and was tallskinnypale. Wore a big watch, had funny storied....

but he was pretty lame. noncommitalundependableselfcentered lame. took my gaga too seriously and flipped, not realizing that it was just fake gaga. That experience and a recent encounter i think have finally gotten me over my lust for nogoodrottenmindfuckingflakes. But I realized I am kind out of the loop of reality now. I cannot date. I do not know how and do not have the necessary tools.

#1-- i do not feel good about my body. hatching a plan to take care of that now (no, no surgery or pills or anything---good old diet and exercise plans).
#2- I do not really "hang out." It is hard to meet single, attractive men in my house--again, I have a plan. I am scheming to get off my butt in 2010. twentyten has a good ring to it. twentyten will be when i get my groove back.
#3-I am really set in my ways. This makes me bossy, bitchy, and undesirable.

#3 is where i have no plan. I am not going to scheme to change my personality and become more demure. I am outspoken and I hate dating stupid people. is that so wrong?

Well, 2 out of three ain't half bad.....let's see what happens. I will keep you posted. Until then, I am waving my hands in the air and wearing a funny-looking hat.

--sapna--

bats!!!

it is 5:26 am. I wanted to get up at 6:30 am. instead, I have not gone to sleep. it seemed like a great idea at the time. now my thoughts are fuzzy and i am tired and am thinking of going to bed. chances are, i will not be up at 6:30 am.

drats! crumbs! dag nab it!

growing pains

I have become nocturnal. A few days ago, i decided not to fight my sleep cycle. unfortunately, this decision was made after a day of sleeping off a wildish night. So I slept in late, and then at "bedtime" I was not tried. Instead of tossing and turning, I used my energy to....um...goof off. I was up til like 5 am reading and playing on FB and blogging and whatever. Since then, life has been inverted and now I am up at nights. I think that I am getting tired now--but I have only been awake for 12 hours. ugh! why was this a good idea?

I wanted to enjoy the morning tomorrow and sleep during the hottest part of the day. That seems like a good way to live life. Sleep from 1-3 ish and again from midnight to 6 am. The only problem is that 6 am seems like a lovely time of day the night before--but when it actually happens...it is just obscene.

my hips have been giving me considerable pain. drastic action is needed. I might do yoga. ugh! so indian of me.

my thoughts also have been giving me considerable pain. and I cannot get them out.

I saw Hamlet tonight, and there was a look and embrace between laertes and ophelia that I need in my life.

I do not need romance. I need safety and strength and protection and genuine affection. I need the type of relationship that will afford one some lapses without judging one or reconsidering the aforementioned affection. I need the type of comfort that allows one to go crazy at times without being self-conscious about it.

Granted, Ophelia ended up drowning. But at least she had that embrace!

Where does a 31-year-old find a big brother?

thursday

I miss ireland. I miss cville. i miss having an exciting life. I feel like I am on the verge of getting my exciting life back. let's hope this is true. the problem is, I want exciting without the issues that come with it. maybe i should settle for boring sanity??? ugh!

It is almost 4 am. I should go to bed. oskar is sighing at me--but, when is he not?

I have a massage scheduled at 1 pm. I hope it will cure my back issues. I did not clean today and I badly need to.

tomorrow's plan:
1) tea and short bread cookies for breakfast...mmmm....
2) to parents' house to pick up missing cell phone (hopefully it is there)
3) drop off stuff as SPCA--ask parents if booboo's stuff can go.
4) look at kitties and cry a little but know that none are as roughandtumble as snoobity was and i do not like catlike cats.
5) pull into massage place at 12:45 (sometime before this, I need to consume a small snack so my tummy does not grumble while I am otherwise blissful)
6) massage from 1-2:30
7) coffee and writing at ellwoods--contemplate life and sapnahood. maybe write a short story.
8) kuba kuba for dessert and coffee
9) stay up late cleaning b/c i did not do that today

all i need to throw in there is 2 dog walks, drinking lots of water, trying to book savannah stuff, and dinner.

It is day one of new meds--so hopefully no nap is needed, but who am i kidding?

ok, my back is paining me. time for bed. --sapna--

soggy blogging

I am a bad blogger. I have nothing to say.

That is not true. I have tons to say, but who really wants to read it? I guess I just need to accept that this blog is more of an outlet to whine and plan than an outlet to entertain.

That being said, I am finally devoted to the idea of writing a book. more details later. do not ask me, or I will get nervous. But I think I tell good stories. Now to see if I can write them down.

Yesterday and today have kind of been wasted being indisposed. Sunday night, Melissa and I had a great time but with waaaay too much alcohol. I was not sick the next day (Melissa wishes she could say the same) but I did not get out of bed until 3:30. Well, I got up at 10 and ate greasy breakfast and read a book and went back to sleep a little before noon. Today, my back KILLED until about 2 pm and then my head started pounding. I think I have a sinus problem. I am going to drink hot liquids. I also cannot hear very well because my ears are blocked. decongestant? will that work?

Melissa and I are doing our "dessert roulette" at kuba kuba...she is tweeting about it.

Tonight (as i slept all day) I am going to try to do my indoor cleaning tasks. Maybe some dog hair removal will help with my sinuses or whatever is keeping me from breathing, hearing and having a pain-free head. I was going to mow today, but my back is so out of whack. Tomorrow I go for a 90 minute massage at the place christine introduced me to, I am very excited. Hopefully it will give me some back relief. I know the main thing is to lose weight, but it is hard to get rid of gut fat when you cannot move b/c your back is killing you.

I am expanding exponentially. I am heavier than I have ever been. drastic measures needed. I might even exercise. I might try nutrisystem.

I went to pennington gap this past weekend. I love it there. I have decided i _need_ to move out of richmond at some point. I have never really lived anywhere new "permanently." I want to really transplant and see if i thrive.

ok, melissa is here for day 2 of kuba kuba. I am gone.

picture this.....sicily 19**

I have slacked off on blogging b/c I have not wanted to share my thoughts. And you did not miss me. But now I am back. Not sharing thoughts, but attempting to share photos. So this is another experiment in uploading and the time it takes to do so. I _think_ I have resized this image (Thanks, grantham!!) but I am not 100% it is small enough to not take 100 hours to load. so here is a picture that shows zucklebaby really enjoying his 1st birthday party. It makes me want to have kids. Or at least eat a cupcake. mmmmm...

a sign, aha!

I am always getting signs, but the question remains: Do houses look look like faces because I am human and humans see faces in everything or because it was built by a human and humans put faces in everything or does no one else see the face?

Have you ever wished for your options to be limited as to not fall victim to the burden of choice?

I am going to fill my days with endless wonder.

I have spent about 3 years denying my sapna-naature. I am going back to being irrational and impulsive. I am going to break the ties that bind my mind. I dabbled in losing my mind a few months ago, and it was good to be true to myself. Granted, I presented the symptoms of a sapna in turmoil--but as the garbage song goes....

no no--the rain one--not the stupid girl one....

lord love a duck!

I am caught in a fit of self-loathing that I hope will dissipate after a good night's sleep that does not seem to want to come. but in better news, I might have figured out how to shrink images on iphoto...so here is one of my favorite pictures of 2 of my favorite boys as a test run. here goes:

non-toxic

If something in non-toxic, shouldn't that mean you can eat it without having to then go see a doctor? My floor cleaner is biodegradable and non-toxic. Yet it tells you to flush with water if you get it in your eyes and to drink a glass of water and call a physician if you accidentally drink it. very strange.....and it smells like almonds, which makes me want to taste it even more. further research is needed before guzzling this floor cleaner.

here....oskar, oskar....here oskar...

Anyway-- I could not sleep last night due to a scratchy throat. I decided at 1 am to have some scalding hot matzoh ball soup. It made my throat feel slightly better---but I still could not sleep. I can downstairs and slept on my sofa--i have not slept on the downstairs sofa in about a year---ever since oskar started his drooling-in-his-sleep problem. There is normally a bit of a puddle on that sofa. However, that sofa is in the best location if one is over-heated (by scalding matzoh ball soup). It is 1) downstairs 2) directly under and air vent 3) directly under the only downstairs air vent that I keep open during the summer months. I close my downstairs vents in the summer (and upstairs in the winter) to concentrate the cooling (or heating) where it is needed. This particular vent screams like a banshee when shut, so it gets to stay open. Pure bliss on a hot day. Oskar was a bit miffed at losing pure bliss, but I have the opposable thumbs and therefore, I get to do what I want.

Anyway, this led to me waking up at 6:30 and having no clue it was so early (no time pieces in that room) Oskar was acting like I had slept in till noon, so I got up and went up to change. I realized it was stil lvery early, but the dog was already doing his wok song and dance (no, really it is a song and dance--he sounds like a walrus). So I have been up since 6:30 am....I have gotten a fair amount done, but now I am out of steam.

I still need to do the only three things on my to-do list. Funny how I can be productive all day and still not get the things done I meant to get done. Seriously, I have not been goofing off. I have been hard at work. Just not on 1) vacuuming 2) mowing the grass or 3) finishing the cleaning of the garage at my 'rents' house. I need to vacuum. I have been breaking out in hives recently and I am sure it is b/c the concentration of dust has reached dangerous levels. Yes, I am highly allergic ot dust---which is to say I am allergic to the indoors. I should get hardwood floors everywhere. Even in the back years. I hate vacuuming and mowing. Sweeping and mopping much more enjoyable.

Also, I am in need of as many bricks as anyone can spare. If you have extra bricks lying around, lemme know. I am killing grass with bricks so I do not have to weed as much. Damn! That was on the list too--4 things I have not done. Please add 4) weed.

egg sauce ted

As the "FINAL DAY" draws near, I am getting less and less productive. The kids are WILD in the halls, yelling and screaming and wandering. I try to go out and take control, but let us face it, I am pretty darn ineffective. I have nothing to back up my loud requests for students to get into their classrooms. Especially when many of the teachers of those classrooms are not helping me out. So I have given up. Not the right path, but the path that will keep me sane.

I need to do my final grades during today's planning period--which is going on now. I also need to do my final clean-up/ paper organizing....but that will probably get done on monday. We have the option of coming in on Monday to complete our checkout process, and I am probably going to take advantage of that. I am glad I decided to book my trip to PR for a week after school was done. I have much to do in that week. However, yesterday, I reworked my "schedule" for three full days of listening to "This American Life" and reading YA books. Summer is going to be great. I am going to post an entry with summer goals later.

In sleep news, there is no news---and contrary to cliche, no news is NOT good news. I await samples of a new and improved version of Provigil, called "Newvigil." Of course, if my insurance does not cover the former, why would it cover the latter? Blarg!

ok, on my horse in t-minus 3......2......1!!!!

9.5

There are nine and a half days left with kids at school. I also must do a ton of "check out" stuff---like returning textbooks, cleaning up my room, filing paperwork, yadda yadda yadda.

I am trying to get motivated this morning to do my "final" grades (ssshhhhh! don't tell ths kids) once they know the grading is done, they go crazy---so I am not really going to make anything final until the last day of school. However, the rest of my grades are going to be easy peasy things.

I am really excited about this summer. Strangely, I am excited about cleaning out my parents' garage as my first big project. It has recently occurred to me that they are not doing a very good job taking care of themselves. They have always been cluttered people, but recently it is getting dangerous----both physically and economically. They keep spending money on stuff they already have, eating expired food, are not able to freely move about their house (due to the clutter), losing the cat, losing bills and important documents. My grammar on that last sentence was not so good---but you know what I mean. As my sister says, I love tasks like this---but I also like complaining about them. I think what needs to happed---if I declutter a place, I need to never see it again. It is heart breaking to untangle all the yarn in my aunt's sewing basket only to see it all gone to hell the next time I visit.

I have been screwing up my schedule left and right. I have no idea what is going on. I think I will have to spend my "planning" time tomorrow (I do not _really_ get one) going over all this stuff and organizing my papers. I do get a planning during my lunch block---I have never had that before, and I think that will be nice, but I assume that means I have lunch duty. Oh well. only a few days left. If I make it through Wednesday, I will be fine. Wednesday may be the hardest schedule of my life. 4 hours with the class from hormonal hades.

play it by ear, sam

so this weekend was a trial run for the summer and all I can say is "abort mission! I repeat, abort mission!"

I made absolutely no plans in the attempt to be very relaxed and play it by ear. The result: tons of internet surfing, a bit of yardwork, and a bunch of "how is it _____ o'clock already?"

Playing it by ear is totally my way on vacation. Not my way at all on staycation. It's the internet, man--- I just let life swim by as I amuse myself on the information super highway. So here is the new plan---plan as much as possible and stuff all the enjoyment in around a lax but planned, "work" schedule.

also---I _need_ to save money. I am living hand to mouth here. okay, anyone who knows me knows this isn't true.....but I am definitely not in my financial comfort zone (btw, my car insurance is WAAAY too high--any suggestions?) so I want to stay in town as much as possible, but still visit a little, vacation a little, and enjoy a lot. but I am also a person who does not do well with "relaxing." I cannot while away my time sipping mint juleps on the back porch unless I deserve them....I am very goal-driven, even if the goals are little....so here goes the planning:

1) I need to do one outdoor and one indoor task a day. This will keep my household affairs in order without concentrated effort. I did this last summer, and it worked wonderfully. I let it fall to the wayside over the school year, but I let everything slide this year--the sleeping sickness, you know? This weekend, I tried to "fix" my yard and I just could not get a handle on it--I did a lot of work with little result due to lack of efficiency. I need to make a list of tasks to be done and just do them one by one instead of trying to do a bit of everything in one day. Unfortunately, I want to paint all the rooms in my house this summer---that is not happy making for me.

2) I need to _really_ get some curriculum planning done. This year was a little to haphazard and unpaced for my liking (again, my fault--sleeping sickness) but I need to start off better next year. I am thinking of going in to school for a few hours a day from m-th (only open 4 days a week) and getting work done there. It will help me actually work without the distractions of home and be able to use the schools resources and their faster internet. One of my main goals is to get a handle on how I want to assess my students and take it from there. That, and really see what materials are at my disposal and learn how to effectively use them.

3) I want to get to know richmond better. I have lived here my whole life and still don't feel like i really know my city. So a bunch of exploring is in order: the river, parks, restaurants, museums, etc. I also want to get back into my "city cleaning" habits.

4) I want to regain the friendships I have lost ( can I still blame my sleeping sickness? It really has made life hard this year) so I am going to throw a bunch of get togethers and plan day trips and excursions.....all suggestions are welcome. I was thinking of doing a regular happy hour and also maybe setting up a potluck and a trip to the outlet malls and to busch gardens, etc. Heck, maybe I will even do something to make new friends. Focus on my meetup group??? Force myself to "hang out"? steal someone else's friends???

5) I want to save money--- so a bit of my summer is going to be devoted to analyzing my habits and seeing where I can cut costs. I am wasteful but not habitually so----so I need to find out where my money goes and who it is hanging out with and give it a curfew. Part of my problem is my "services." I got my car insurance b/c it was the least hassle--not b/c of the coverage or cost--time to look into that. Same with my rat extermination service, internet, cell phone, yadayadayada....

6) I want to go on a bunch of little trips since I am not going to go on a HUGE summer trip. I am going to PR with joe (so excited!) but that is the 2nd week of vacation and I have nothing else planned for all of july or august. I might stay with my sister for a week. But I want to go be touristy in DC and go to nearby wineries and maybe a plantation tour or just drive and see what I see.

so now I am just digressing---but the point is if sapnas do not plan, sapnas waste tons of time. Even "to do" lists are not adequate. We need schedules and time limits. We need goals and rewards. We need structure! Sapnas of the world UNITE!

ahem....sorry. please, please, please--help me have a great summer. I _need_ this. kick me in the butt if you see me wasting time. Aim for a cheek though, the tail bone is still busted. I do not want to waste a single day. If you plan, you can plan to have fun (or something like that--thanks, magnets!)

wrong weekend

I had this long weekend stuff planned out. I was gonna do it all.

Instead, it turns out--I am not doing anything at all.

I have only officially wasted one day---and since this day has involved a meal at mexico and some much needed grocery shopping (um..and very little else), I guess "wasted" is a strong word. It seems that even though I was thrilled for a bonus day off, I did not use it very effectively---oh well, I still get two more days. Take two on the to do list (32 items on it) tomorrow. (oh, wait 31 now-- I did go grocery shopping). We will pretend today was the lazy Monday off, and the next two days will be the productive days of this 3 day weekend! Yay! onward!

Ironically (as I sit here blogging), I blame the internet. Today, I have been an addict. Tomorrow, I am going cold-turkey. ok, room temperature turkey.

can't medicate, so hibernate. try not to hate, but learn too late

I have met a large road block in my recent progress, and it may be enough to make me give up. My anti-sleepy medication has been denied by my insurance. It is not medically necessary.

I am aggravated by this, but this is exacerbated by the fact that they decided not to tell me. I got a package from them today--which according to their "shipping status" automated phone thing-y, was supposed to be my medicine (seriously, it STATED my medication as "shipped"). Instead, it was a letter telling me I was not going to get my medicine. This was after a "courtesy call" telling me that there was a delay in filling my order, but that it was going to ship the next day (meaning, they called me Thursday to let me know that they were sorry they took 11 days to answer my queries, but in case i had not figured it out, they were behind schedule and order was on its way now) Wouldn't you think all of this meant I was getting my medicine and not a letter of declination????

So, pour lemon juice in my wound----not only were they really, really, really late in processing my order, they didn't actually process anything except how to tell me they were not going to process my order.

Now add salt to the wound that already has lemon juice in it: I had to drive an hour and a half for this letter--45 mins out, 45 mins back. UPS would not leave my medication on my doorstep because it might get stolen--they offered to deliver it whenever I wanted them to as long as it was after 9 and before 4 on any weekday. Since I work, I cannot do this--so I told them to hold it at their office. Which is in Chester. I popped my very last sample pill and drove there after work today--only not grumbling about the ridiculous drive because I am anticipating the sweet, sweet feeling of being properly medicated again. If you have talked to me in the past week, you 1) were lucky enough to catch me when i was awake and 2) unlucky enough to catch me when I was awake. I figured out after about day 4 of waiting that my prescription was delayed, so I halved my dose so my samples would last and have been making do---I was incredibly groggy, and at times bitchy, due to this- sorry if you got an earful of sapna-complaints.....anyway----45 minutes to chester to get a letter that said I was not getting medication.....

45 minutes back talking to a customer care person on the phone who was VERY good.

but things are not good. I have further steps I can take and I intend to take all of them, but for right now, I feel defeated. really, really defeated. what is the point of sapna? Apparently, staying awake is not medically necessary.

I do not want to wallow in self-pity. I really don't---but it seems that the moment I find a reason to live, I have no ability to stay awake. again, what is the point of sapna?