sleeping sickness

I know I have been a bit one-track-minded recently....but being awake is amazing. but also horrific. meaning---who knows how long this has been going on? oh, i've wasted my life....

let me start on a positive note---this week, I have spent more time awake than I have in a looooong time. Yesterday night, I was able to clean all the floors in my house (mopping, sweeping AND vacuuming) I did all of this while finishing up a book on tape (_Pride and Prejudice_) that I started over spring break and wanted to finish but have had no solo-car trips recently nor on the horizon. I really enjoyed it, thought I have often picked up the book and not been able to get into it.....anyway, the day before that, I cleaned all the bathrooms in my house---now this might seem a bit OCD, but really-- it has been so long since i cleaned b/c cleaning got in the way of my sleeping and is NEVER on the top of my to do list. During my hibernation, I mostly only attended to urgent tasks. The night before that, I went nuts at the grocery store and meandered and pondered every purchase--in a good way. Also, I have not taken ANY work home with me--not even over the weekend (other than the saturday school stuff that I couldn't get inspried to do until Friday night). I finished my grading, the next day's planning, all my administrative tasks (still way behind on calling parents, but that is not really due to lack of time). It is like I have 2 days for every one now.

but that is only b/c for so long, I had one day for every two. I did not realize how much I was missing out on until last wednesday. Sleeping was not a nice passtime. I started out that way in college. I had weird hours and took enjoyable naps in the middle of the day. i prided myself on still only sleeping 8 hours in a 24 hour period. In fact, I said this was going on still. However, I was lying. i was ashamed of how lazy I had become. Again, I would get everything done and even kid myself that i liked napping. But I was always sleepy---not just tired---sleepy---brain dead, zombie-like, yawning sleepy. I slept through things I wanted to do. I stood up friends. I stopped having hobbies or reading for pleasure or even trying to schedule anything after work on a weekeday. I just couldn't do it. But i didn't even know i had a problem. if i slept 13 hours or so, i felt fine. Sunday morning was great. i would go to bed at 10 pm on satuday, wake up at noon on sunday and feel wonderful. I would also take a 3 hour nap sunday afternoon....and would spend all day saturday doing a chore and then dozing..another chore, another nap.

but now, i realize that it didn't have to be so---i wasn't being lazy---there was something wrong with me and it was fixable. I am glad it is now fixed, but think of the time lost that I will never get back? This happened to me once before, when i had my massive depressive episode....i realized that I had spent YEARS feeing inadequate and hated myself for it---then i was "cured" through psychotherapy, medicine, and (predominantly) CBT---and i realized I could have been a much better, more successful, more likable person if i had realized I was depressed ( I knew I was angry, but I didn't know how to change it) when i was 16 instead of when i was 24....

the hardest part? both things (depression and my sleeping-sickness) (sounds better than sleep disorder) made my brain fuzzy. not only was my brain (which i love and cherish) not working properly, it was keeping me from seeing what was going on. I could not think as clearly, intelligently, or as well as I did before--but the changes were so gradual, that I thought I was changing---I thought I was just getting disinterested in stuff and just liked being a homebody and was working too hard and wearing myself out---nope! I was worn out and therefore it FELT like i was working too hard....the mind will rationalize away its own illnesses. it is like an autoimmune disease....and it SUCKS!

the journey has been long. and i have here purged my sadness over losing time ---so now, in order to not lose any more time--- i will not dwell on what could have been (for no one is to know that as per Aslan) and i will focus on the fact that I am better than I was before and I will run with that and hope I can say this daily.