it's just that i've been losing so long

If you believe that I believe the crap i spew, then consider yourself fooled.

i am not a happy person. I have never been a happy person. I live only because I must and strive to find small joy because I know there is no big joy. It is a simple minded philosophy coming from a very sick mind.

I will never be better. I have better days and worse days. i have better hours and worse hours. But my autoimmune disease of the brain will never go away. It will always haunt me. it will always make me hate myself even though I know better. I can keep it at bay and be symptom free for a looooong looooong time. I can fake it. But I will never make it. and it drains all my energy to fake it. It is why I cannot have deep "meaning of life" conversations anymore. I cannot tip the fine balance without dire consequence.

And small things set me off. Like having my camera stolen in Budapest. Like having my luggage stolen by a TSA agent in Dulles Airport, like having my photo equipment stolen in college, like having all of my deck furniture stolen today.

Not all things that set me off have to do with theft. Theft is just heavy on my mind today.

But the point is-- i say a lot about positive thinking and focusing on the good. People have falsely thought I am idealistic and peppy and optimistic. Not so....I even sent out a rant to my coworkers about how the negative talk had to stop at our school. And everyone thought I was trying to make the school a better place. Everyone was impressed that I was so dedicated to optimism. Not so....i was trying to actively block out negativity b/c my own is all i can deal with. If I get burdened with even the slightest external issue, i crumble.

I fight _hard_ to make it through every day. I am winning. I do a lot of self-talk and journaling and redirecting negative thoughts...and that is when I have no one else weighing me down. I am not _actively_ miserable--it is just that i dedicate 90% of my energy just trying to not crumble. Things could be worse...but do not tell me it is easy to be me. Try _really_ despising yourself---it sucks. Do not for a second believe me when I say everything is okay--but do not ask me what is wrong. It is what is always wrong and if i think about it too much, I cannot keep my symptoms at bay.

So yes. I need you to be positive around me and I will cut you out of my life if you are not. Not because of anything other than it drags me down to the pit of despair and I can't even think about escaping.

Avoidance, thy name is sapna. This makes me a bad friend. This keeps me single. This makes me slightly reclusive. This makes me avoid others during their times of strife. i wish it was not this way, but the other option is not pretty.