shenoy-molloy

I am currently in Savannah, Georgia. It is beautiful here. I have not really done any touristy things. I have just enjoyed being in the south and relaxing. I love the south. Richmond might just not be southern enough for me.

I met up with my friend Rob Molloy here. We used to hang out in college---I met him after I got back from Ireland. He is just so incredibly dear to me. I will _always_ have a soft spot in my heart for him. It was just enchanting to be in such a pretty place with a boy I am so fond of. I am not a NSA kind of girl and rob and I do not have an idyllic past---but he is an ideal vacation buddy if the point of the vacation is just to be comfortable and be treated well.

And he has fried his memory in a variety of ways. I could write volumes about the robsapnasaga and he cannot remember an iota-- which is just as well, I guess. Olvidar es perdonar.

And it is strange---i have been desperately seeking love for about 6 years now and it has actually been my folly. I want this feeling and i force situations and ruin perfectly decent situations b/c they are not the feeling i want. I turned 25 and just got this massive desire to love instead of lust. I want more than I get-- I want partnership and fun and actual consideration. Not just dinners and desire. And it makes me crazy. I get crazy around the men i date b/c they do not mesh with what i need. I do not want to rush off and get married. I do not even need the promise of longterm love. I just want to be loved in the now. Really loved for who I am.

I fear no one sees me for me. I want a person who loves me for the reasons I love me. It seems to be too much to ask.

But this trip was perfect for that. I do not expect to see rob again for a few years...but when we are together, we mesh. We mesh in the way 2 people can when they are not scared of ruining the situation. Two people who know each other so well in so many ways. No need to talk about futures or pasts or even right nows. Just hang out and be good to each other. Then part ways on a fond note, refreshed and refocused on the real life we must return to.

It is so different with rob. He does not make me crazy in the head. I really like him, I immensely enjoy our time together--but i do not need more from him. I don't want more from him. I would actually freak out if he wanted more from me. I like our affectionate friendship. Even back in the day, I never wanted to date him. I just wanted him to be around me. My intentions always got misconstrued.

This trip made me a better person. It restored my faith in myself. I love hanging out with me.