don't confront me with my failures...

'cause I have not forgotten them....

I am thinking in 2010 to make this more of a sapna jones' diary blog. I need to get down to 135 lbs. i need to work out daily. I need to eat better to control my diabetes and I need to stop getting involved in impossible relationships just for the drama of it all. maybe publishing my exploits here will keep me ashamed enough to not do bad things....or at least to lie about them. who knows?

today, i am supposed to go to a gsgis reunion thing. i am getting cold feet. no matter where life takes me, i always feel like a failure unless I am alone. I love myself when there is no one else to compare myself to. but then i get lonely. I just feel like i don't belong among people though. I want to be a speck and onserve others without having to interact. I am not so into voyerism. I am just a social recluse.

I am getting rather sick of hanging out with/ talking to my parents. I have spent too much time with them this week and there is no end in sight. it looks like the 28th is the only day i get totally to myself. tomorrow, i am hanging out with jenny and meredith to celebrate meredith's bday. Then, on Monday, I have no plans---then the rest of break, my sister will be here and bugging me to hang out. i love hanging out with jenny, meredith and my sister et al. But right now---right at this very moment--i feel like i am in a downward spiral and just want to be elft totally alone. totally. i do not even want to answer my phone or e-mails.....but if i ever do that, then my parents panic. maybe i will turn my ringer off and go on a solo vacation from the 29th-1. my sister will forgive me. i'll think on it.