I have spent much time thinking and not much time alone and near a computer recently. so this is going to be a hodge-podge dog blog today--trying to recapture some thoughts and just get it all down....so here goes:
this weekend, I drove to DC with my mother to go to nathulal's 2nd birthday party. i really have absolutely no patience for my mother. and sadly, i think it is because I do not find her intelligent. I used to think we just didn't have anything in common to talk about. But now I am more "settled" and can talk about boring things like work and cooking---and she cannot keep up a conversation. She just reads the signs we pass and gives me running updates on the thoughts in her head "Oh, where are my glasses? there they are. how did they get on the floor? Did i scratch them? I wonder if there is much traffic past Fredricksburg..." Incessant, mindless chatter. it drives me batty. and strangely, i can be patient with my students that are like this and acquaintances that are like this, but not my own mother....
nate is so much fun. Making him laugh is just my happiest activity. I love entertaining him and talking with him. jenny, nate and rowan met me and nate/nathulal at frying pan park. We had a great time. It made me really sad that I do not have a kid/ family of my own. which got me thinking about growing old....
living alone in my house is tough...but I seriously think i missed the window of meeting someone to grow old with. i made some mistakes, and this is the price of it. i am already old. time to let go of the idea of finding love and get used to the idea of being a spinster. i am too old for pretty wedding pictures or to need anything from a bridal registry. I am almost too old to have a healthy pregnancy. too old to marry someone who is not divorced and that doesn't sit right with me....so now i need to focus on the silver lining.
i can change my life by changing my attitude. i am gonna stop being afraid of "making it" and just do what i want. 2 more years in richmond, then i am leaving the country. that is the new idea. nothing tying me down. i bought my house to tie me down, and i love my house --but i regret dropping anchor in richmond. so 2 years and i will give up my attachment and take this spinster elsewhere--- if i do not leave the country, i will at least change coasts. portland or east bay.
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1 comment:
Okay, I have a lot to say about this entry.
First things first, I totally support your choosing to remain unmarried if that's what you actually want for your life. But if getting married and having a family is a goal for you, you should continue to pursue it. Don't give up.
I know that dating sucks and is generally miserable, and that it involves a lot of long, boring evenings out with people you have nothing in common with, and it involves a lot of rejecting and rejection, and a lot of kissing frogs. But, hey, you love frogs! No, wait. That wasn't my point. My point was that you have a much better chance of finding love if you go look for it. Not that I know this for sure, not having found it myself, but it's what I suspect. It sucks that some of us have to go through this a lot longer than others, but that's just life. So, if you want to get married, get back out there. But take a break if you need to. You should be in no hurry.
No hurry at all. You are not too old to have kids (you can always adopt, too, later), you are not too old for pretty wedding pictures (you are so beautiful!), and if you don't need the bridal registry you could always drop hints that cash could be useful.
I don't know what else to say. You find love when you find it. I'm sorry it's not today. In fact, I'm sorry it's not today for me, too. But we'll get there, if that continues to be what we want.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't look for silver linings and appreciate life as it is ... you absolutely should. But don't give up on what you want out of life because you think you're too old. 31 is young.
So enjoy your single life and date if you want and appreciate everything you have. And look forward to all the happy years ahead.
If you decide you want to be single indefinitely, 'cause you think that'd make you happiest, then I can get behind that, too. We can totally be the golden girls when we grow up.
Oh, and I'd also support you moving to another country in a few years, if that's what you want, though I'd really rather you didn't.
In summary, you are young and beautiful yet ... enjoy it!
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